Aut Invaniemus Vian Aut Faciemus

Leaders and God

2012-01-28T01:51:00.000+08:00

I have been religiously avoiding the topic of religion on my blog for a bit. I haven't been going to church consistently, not because I've started to doubt the existence of a God but more because I haven't found a church I'm comfortable in again. Like I said, I hate the church system in Hope where it's so methodical, you stay long enough, do and say the right things and you'll be a leader. Once you've graduated, you move on up to the next "family" where you're expected to be close and bond simply out of convenience. Honestly, I think this is why so many people leave. While church was about God and not men, church was never meant to be about hierarchy and power. Me, I've had a lovely time at Hope, it's just that I don't know the new strangers there and many of my old friends have left or moved up. I'm not discontent, just uncomfortable.

I refuse to respect and pay heed to every word a leader tells me simply because this is the person appointed to me. Whilst I know that this is wrong and that the bible tells us that everybody that comes to power, God has let him. And that we should still obey the laws set by our leaders. I can not force myself to blindly follow. What if we stretch the story a little; say a leader that has been allowed to come to power orders everyone to cheat, to steal and to murder. You can't break the law that you must obey your leader yet you can't break the commandments that say doing these things are wrong. Everyone of us perceive certain things to be right or wrong and then lead our lives in accordance to our perceived morals. But different people have different perspectives and perceive different things to be right or wrong. likewise, a leader and a student may have different perceptions on morals. I therefore believe in choosing my own leaders. You follow people who have the same perspective as you in what is right. I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to other sides and keep an open mind. I'm just saying it is natural of us to choose leaders that think in the same ways as us.

Who decides who a leader should be. And who decides on who should decide. I believe that if you earnestly seek, you will receive an answer. But that is fine and dandy only if it applies to things personal. If it involves a body of people, then who decides on where to draw the line. If two people say God has spoken to them and has revealed to them who to appoint as leader, who do we listen to. When there is disagreement there is discontent. This is where compromise comes into play. Someone has to give in and a decision will be made. But human compromise is imperfect and flawed. What if we are wrong. Then God's true voice will be neglected. We then go back to the dilemma of what God's true voice is. But it's irony at it's greatest because the whole dilemma is about who decides what God's true voice is. Someone has to be appointed by man to make these decisions and by that first appointment, we could have made a mistake because we are flawed.

Having said this, I do not think the bible was a compromise because we are not currently writing the bible. We are making decisions in this day and age where the skies don't part to rain forth manna and rocks don't split let forth a river of water. It is getting increasingly hard to hear God's voice much less convince people we aren't hallucinating.

This is why I refuse to blindly obey the people appointed to me. A friend of mine then warned me that I shouldn't let my discernment lead to rebellion. But we all rebel against what we think is wrong. If you're not for it you're against it. Rebellion is not always bad and obedience is not always good. It solely depends on your cause and morals. Obedience to God is always good, and I am far from perfect. But men aren't God and leaders are men. I'd like to choose my own leaders.

Respect is to be earned, not blindly given.

'jol

cherries

2012-01-26T01:07:00.005+08:00

I can tie a knot with a cherry stem in my mouth.

The holiday has flown by and I'm glad to have been able to visit my relatives. It's been a bittersweet occasion and I find myself experiencing pangs of inexplicable sadness about growing up and leaving what seemed like a worry-free life behind. My great grandmother is 98 this year. She no longer remembers who I am and seemed terrified as my grand uncle wheeled her out to greet the family. Her bony hands fidgeted in her lap reminding me of sparrows, their little jerky movements only seemed to expound on their fear as they quivered under 20 people's gaze. Mom says she can still feel but she can't make her body respond- she's trapped in her own body. A stoic expression on her face she sat quiet and unmoving the entire 20 minutes she was allowed out of her bed. Her eyes watered in contrast to the grim unmoving expression as my mom placed a cheek against hers. I wanted to snap a picture, to remember her. But I couldn't. It seemed so rude, so brazen, too insensitive. It made me sad. Things end and we die and although it's natural, it makes me sad and I want a hug. I've been meeting up with some old friends (and making some new ones too (: ) and realize I will not get a single day off to myself to just rest. I haven't had a day alone In weeks and will be busy catching up with various people until Bob flys over this weekend. But I'm not complaining. There is plenty of time to rest- to be lonely- when I return to Perth.

I have yet to turn on my laptop in a month (have been using phone or iPad) or so but I'm excited to review what little pictures I have taken and allow myself to reflect upon the experience of the SEA trip. May I just add it was a 6 hour bus ride from Singapore to KL, a 2 hour flight from KL to Siem Reap in Cambodia, a 6 hour boat ride to Phnom Penh then a 15 hour bus ride crossing the Cambodia-Thai border to BangKok, a 12 hour bus ride to Krabi, an hour van and boat ride to Tonsai then finally a 2 hour flight back to Singapore. It overwhelms me when I think about how much we have travelled and I'm truly humbled to have walked amongst the poorest of poors and to experience their ways of life. We have stayed in 4stars hotels, houses of friends as well as straw huts with no electricity, warm water, flushing or even a reliable security system. The grime and sweat on my skin has only served to make me more appreciative of the comforts I have at home- as well as a maid to do your laundring and cleaning chores. I'll upload pictures soon after I will myself to clean my room and all the other stuff I've neglected to do. Also, Bob is coming this Saturday- To Singapore! I'm so excited. Not so much because I've missed him in the 3 days we've been apart (although I do, to a sickening extent) but because I feel like I finally get to show him these places that make me feel like me. In Australia it's so different, it's like I clam up and can't bring myself to talk to strangers or be outgoing. Yet none of my Singaporean friends would believe I have problems with making friends there because I'm simply too friendly in their eyes. But confidence is fleeting, it seeps away and out of my pores until I am utterly drained of hope, optimism or self-assurance. In australia, I'm a different person. So it excites me that I get to show my boyfriend a part of me that I'm never going to be in his country, until I can call it home.

Home to CNY!

2012-01-23T01:25:00.003+08:00

Happy Chinese new year! I had an uneventful flight and spent my waiting and flying time reading my book. Got through customs very quickly and cabbed down to my grandma's for reunion dinner which was awesome cause I was running on a pancake in the morning the entire day. Got commented on about how fat I've become which made me feel very guilty- like a glutton. Oh Singapore, I can only expect criticism from you. Dad came home from work at midnight with KFC and I obliged to eat cause the idea of a family meal (minus my sister cause she was asleep) appealed to me due to the scarcity of it's occurrence. This also marked the first time I've eaten KFC chicken in 5 years (cause I had convinced myself they were simply too cruel to their chickens, but apparently Singapore is not the USA). It'd Lunar New Year now, so here I am now at 1.30am in the morning at a huge florist buying new year plants, as is customary. It's good to be back and doing the things of my childhood, even if not as extravagant as when we were wealthier.

I turned on my iPhone to a flurry of messages enquiring my wellbeing and I have to say, I am truly appreciative of my friends. The trip started bad but it got better. Bob and I worked things out and more or less hung on our own. Things got better with the other 3 towards the end- everyone was just more caring and considerate. Instead of 'DIBS! me first!' it became 'What would be better for everyone.' from simple things like sharing food to making sure the person behind you had enough leg space- it really turned things around and I regret nothing. We probably won't travel as this exact group again but I think I've learnt a thing or two about my friends and the trip, although never reached it's full potential, was indeed an eye opening and enriching experience. I haven't taken many pictures at all (which was uncommon of me) but maybe I'll talk more about the different places we visited in another post.

Regardless, it's good to be back. And it's chinese new year! What used to be my favorite occasion. Things are less fun and vibrant however the family remains the same- after missing CNY last year, I am more appreciative of what I have now. I'm blessed with such a large extended family. And I look forward for this morning to come. The thought of feasting on fats ningles at the back of my mind but i suppose I must really discipline myself and get back to running when I return to Perth.

I'm exhausted. Goodnight, friends, and a festive holiday to you (:

'jol

Prepost 3

2012-01-19T02:27:00.001+08:00

Recorded prior to his death in 2003, Johnny Cash does an incredible cover of Nine Inch Nail's Hurt. You can't not listen to it without being moved.

Here is a list of other songs- whether familiar or not- that I hope you will like too.(:
Sun Hands - Local Natives
Once Was One - Portugal. The Man
Mykonos - Fleet Foxes
Let The Drummer Kick - Citizen Cope
Jaded - Aerosmith
I Try - Macy Grey
Cue The Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
All your Reasons - Matchbox Twenty
All I Need Is You - Hillsong United
I Loved The Way She Said L.A - Spitalfield
Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen
:D

`jol

Prepost 2

2012-01-16T02:06:00.001+08:00

If your're constantly in a state of wanderlast, or would very much like to travel the world like it were a giant boardgame, this is an interesting article to read. (:

Something else I've still (Yes, Joce) been thinking about. Would you rather live in a world without Antibiotics or without Anaesthesia?

I want a stable normalistic life, yet I want to travel the world.
But we all know I'll give in to the social pressure for embracing the norm. Afterall, in the asian family, your parents will pay your school fees and try to give you the best path to a successful future, and then you spend your whole life saving for your kid's tuition fees and supporting your parents for the rest of their lives- trying to give them the best retirement. Bob says that for most white families, a child is expected to leave home at around 18 or 20 and take a student loan for university then spend their entire lives trying to pay off the bank loan. However, filial piety is a choice.

It scared me for a bit, like you either be an investment or a debtor. Both are liabilities. It made me feel like true freedom didn't exist.

But then I realized that many friends of mine want to further their studies overseas but lack the money to do so. And I am incredibly incredibly lucky. But that wasn't the point of enlightenment. It was that my parents were doing it out of love- willingly rather than out of duty. They want to give this to me- regardless of the cost. And that makes it freedom.

Love overcomes all boundaries. In it is freedom.

`jol

Prepost 1

2012-01-12T02:01:00.001+08:00

A school girl wrote to Einstein in 1936 and asked, “Do scientists pray?” This was his reply.

'jol

Day 1 cambodia

2012-01-10T19:38:00.001+08:00

Greetings from Phnom Penh. I really wish I were writing because I couldn't contain my unmistakable joy about being young and free. But I'm not. It's day 1 in Cambodia and I'm ready to go home. I can't clique with the boys. Or rather, this group of boys. Well, not well enough, that is. Today was a miserable day. We left Storm's place for the airport at 4am. So I haven't been sleeping the past 3 or 4 days and my right eye's taken to swelling so that it hurts when I blink and I'm really falling sick. Like your stomach rejects all the food and you just feel nauseous and tired.

The guys are currently out in some pub or bar, drinking, yet again and making jokes about sex, women or something or other that I can't find funny. And I've just asked the receptionist for the wifi password which makes me maybe ___ this much less sad. Well, writing always gets my head back so here I am.

We went to various memorials/ detention or concentration camps today to learn about the homicide during the pol pot regime, which was basically like a smaller scale Neo-Nazi thing. In asian version. And I felt all right to be happy just wiped from me. Looking upon rows and rows of photographs (Mugshots) of victims and the torture devices and the tiny cells and shackles and blood stained mats, I just lost all sense of feeling. You just become numb. To read about how one of our own species is capable of such atrocities. It sickens me that I'm human. To think we say "Be human" when we want people to show compassion. I think I really dislike people. Myself included. Just. People in general.

So this on top of the general fatigue and melancholy of the day, my impending illness and swollen eye, the guys aren't and will never be like the guys I'm so used to in singapore. They're not going to stay because you're crying or because it might be dangerous to leave a girl in a room in Cambodia alone. Like I had dreaded, it's practically party, alcohol and crude jokes galore. And I can't. I can't lower my expectations, not after having travelled with the krabbers. I suppose it's unfair because I was close to them but I suppose the general problem is their lack of being able to be gentlemanly in my perspective and my incapability to have fun and to take risks and to appreciate the minor scare of Tom losing his passport as a joke in their perspective. I can't stop being nerdy, analytical and realistic and start being cool. Or maybe it's the difference in maturity levels. I am the oldest and even a year makes a huge difference. Regardless, currently, I really want to go home. I don't want to hold Bob back from having fun with his friends, yet you feel so incredibly. Sad. Just sad and alone. And pathetic. And I'm thinking of just buying a plane ticket back because I know I can but I think that'd be too drastic a measure.

Most likely I'll sit this through, quiet or otherwise, and hope things get better, After all, things always seem more comical in hindsight. But having said all these, I think I've learnt my lesson in never again travelling with people I'm not close to, much less, know I have a huge character and interest difference in. I wish Jace were here to talk to, or I can transport myself back to a year ago where I feel safe and comfortable with the krabbers or even the team.

For tonight, I end my pity-party with this: If God let me come here, then I should be here. I hope to learn whatever lessons I'm supposed to learn and take whatever I'm supposed to take. I understand that. But my heart cries and I want to come home.

`jol

Edit: it's not even 11. The guys came back. Elliot's passed out in the bathroom, storm and tom and way out and Bob is passed out in his own urine. I've cried so much I have nothing left to cry. I want to go home. I want to buy a ticket now and fucking fly back home. I think this is really it- I think I'm to declare myself single.

Soco Amaretto Lime

2012-01-08T02:36:00.000+08:00

Hello, hello.

Not much to say but the past few weeks have been lovely. It's quite incredible to think that it's been 6 weeks since I've returned to Singapore- it certainly doesn't feel that long! But then again I can't believe it's 2012 and I can't believe I've spent a year in Australia and I can't believe I even left home to go there. I still find myself incredulous as to how I've landed where I am. But I think I'm truly blessed to have had so many opportunities. I think I've squandered my time away because I realize I can't find any real deep or meaningful things that I've done- like raising funds for the poor or volunteering in shelters. It makes me feel very selfish and self-worldly. But I've managed to catch up with people I love (Well, most of them) and I'm only 18 once, hey.

I'll be leaving tomorrow to backpack a very small portion of the world! Hooray hoorah! It's only a few countries in SEA but it's still travel. We're doing a route starting in KL where everyone'll meet from their respective countries (Imagine my annoyance at the incoherent planning- or lack thereof) then go down to Phnom Penh and Siem Reap in Cambodia then to Bangkok and Krabi in Thailand, then the rest are continuing to Penang and Kuantan before evetually coming to visit Singapore or return to Australia or KL or wherever.

I must say I'm not as psyched as I probably should be, but I suppose I've just been lucky enough to have travelled quite a bit since young. And it's hard to measure up to the last Krabi trip, further more, it's a group I'm not entirely close to. I suppose with the Krabbers, I felt really safe. The guys were always "Protect the girls." "Have fun but be responsible" and I wasn't the only girl. This group however, I feel far from safe, and instead of giving me a thrill, it really worries me. Also the vast difference in characters. I never will be the party hard, smoke stuff and sleep around kind of person. It's always been sports, study, family, dog, responsibility. Bob says the point is to get close to people on the trip. I think I'd rather have been travelling with a bunch of people I'm already close to. But hey, step out of my comfort zone and all. Plus, I haven't seen Bob in so long- this the biggest plus point I suppose.

Okay I'm rambling and I have to leave by 7am tomorrow but I doubt I'll be able to get much sleep if at all. I'll be back on the 22nd of January. Right before CNY. Might pre-post some cool videos/songs/stuff. But this blog'll probably be dead for a bit. I wish less bands were so auto tuned and had more meaningful lyrics. Here's a song I really like, I hope you like it too.

your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation
you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed
and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget it's over

You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love.

`jol

2012-01-03T03:39:00.001+08:00

`jol

2012

2012-01-03T00:16:00.004+08:00

Needless to say, 2011 has been a major milestone for me. Australia. I needn't say more. And the things I've learnt are indispensable, the friends I've made and kept, invaluable. I'm not bitter anymore about having lost so many people. When I look at all the people that have walked me through my lonliest time, I feel a lightening of the heart, I may not still have hundreds of friends, but I suppose, cheesy as it is, it's really shown me that I actually only need these people truly close to me to get me by. I think the whole "It has proven to me who my true friends are" line may not be as accurate as I had originally thought it was. The friends that I've lost; some of them were dear to me, and I don't think not surviving the distance is an indication of the sincerity of the relationship whilst it was on-going. Of the people I'm still really close to, I can literally not talk to them for months and come back and everything's as it was. For others, it just doesn't work. I don't know the mechanics of this, but I've learnt to just accept it, no bitterness, no malice, no judgement. To my parents, for giving me opportunities others would kill to have, for working 12 houred days or 7 days a week to pay for my extremely costly education (and too-frequent injuries). To the people I do not know that patronize this page or silently will me on. To the people that still take me, for all my bouts of depression, crazy antics and occasional conceit, that always welcome me home with open arms yet send me off hopeful, to the friends that make me sad in Australia because they aren't there with me; I'm glad to have met you and I'm so glad that you are here.

Regardless, I've made it. I can't regret Australia because I've made it into vet school. I can now say that I'd have had to leave anyway. To this, to God be the glory.

So. 2012. I have my worries. What if I can't make the right friends in uni. What if I can't cope with the studying. What if what if what if. I'm already worrying about every emotional, educational and financial aspect of what's to come. So much so that I haven't allowed myself to relish in the fact that I'm about to truly start my pursuit to be a vet surgeon. I'm forcing myself to be hopeful.

I have not made any concrete resolutions because if I want to change something, I'll decide to do it when I decide I want to do it. It doesn't have to be the 1st of january. Afterall, I've seen my perspective of things so thoroughly challenged and flipped upside down this past year. But I'd like to look to this year with hope. To be more open, to recieve the other sides of a story without fear of it challenging my own perspective. I'd like to be more daring- not promiscuous- to further step out of my comfort zones and reserves, to talk to strangers and enjoy the stupidity of things sometimes. To be a little less depressing, to be a realist that isn't cynical. I look to this new beginning with hope, for the first time, without fearing that this hope might serve to dissapoint me.

2012, give chase.

`jol

2011-12-31T00:36:00.003+08:00

Today when I woke up I saw sun like the sunny island I remember leaving. It's the first time it's been just blue skies and sunny in the more-than-a-month that I've been home. And I was happy today. I was happy the entire day. And it makes me feel hopeful. Like finally the blanket of grey has been lifted off you. I hope the monsoon season really is over and the sunshine is here to stay. I hope for happy days like these. Today was like back to the old days, to blood sweat and tears in joyous giving. Today I realized that these moments of crippling sadness will always exist. They will continue to overwhelm and sometimes succeed in bringing you down entirely. Even if for no reason at all. But I think everyone has them. And we are all connected by our insanity.

I'm getting better. Thanks, friends.

'jol

Mad

2011-12-29T22:56:00.003+08:00

Everything's wrong and I'm not strong.

Nothing's the matter. My life is perfect. I have an ATAR of above 98, I'm going to do the course I've dreamt of, I'm going to travel, my boyfriend is coming to Singapore and my mom does not vehemently disapprove of him being white. I have everything I want. I don't know why I still feel so heavy. It sounds really conceited. Really ungracious. As if I'm never happy; never placated. As if I always want more than I can have. But it's not unrest of that kind. It's just the kind make you cry when you have no reason to cry. A heaviness of the heart, a darkness of the soul. Perhaps it's because I feel really far from God. But I think everyone has these bouts of terror and unexplainable sadness. The kind that drags you down like an anchor tied around your ankles to the darkest depths of the sea. Or perhaps, for my own sake, I'd like to think it's normal and that everyone has them. The worst thing about it is that you can't talk about it, because there's no reason, nothing has happened, and you just feel a surge of utter despondency. And the only thing you can think to do is to curl up into a ball and cry it out and then not bother to make sense of it at all. Because I've tried. But it truly is unexplainable. It's as if you have to make penance for being too happy. As if sorrow were an essential part of your week and you must, regardless of whether you want to, feel it. And no one ever knows. I think everyone's mad. Or everyone has some madness within them. Some people just hide it better than others. And me, I'm just really good at it. But I do wish that sometimes you were able to see through me, because I don't really want you to go. But think about it. If I- a declared sane person- go to a psychiatrist and tell him all these things that I feel and go through, that sometimes I get so afraid of nothing I can't even leave my bed. He's going to diagnose me. No psychiatrist can ever turn someone away- no one's gonna reply you with "Oh no, I'm sure it's all in your imagination, you're fine. Be on your way now." I'm not denying the significance or legitimacy of mental illnesses. I just think everyone is mad in a certain sort of way, it's just whether they hide it or not.

And me, I think I've lost my mind because absolutely nothing brings me joy anymore.
Everything is an act.

`jol

2011-12-28T02:17:00.003+08:00

Everyone's afraid of getting hurt. At all. But to decide to not take it anymore is to take a stand. And letting go takes courage. And it's not easy. You would withstand all for someone you love. But then again, would someone who loves you put you through this. You will always be special and sincerely, thank you.

They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you

`jol

English Pronunciation

2011-12-27T21:50:00.004+08:00

Bob made me read this aloud yesterday and I enjoyed reading it (in my head). Thought it would be quite a nice thing to share- you have to try to read it aloud in one go. Note; there was a disturbing number of words to which I was unfamiliar to.

English Pronunciation

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité

12 days till backpacking with a very strange group of boys that I utterly would not trust with my life- save for Bob. I'm not even remotely close to Elliot or Tom, and I haven't actually the slightest clue why I agreed to go given my distaste for dangerously unplanned backpacking trips to intimidating countries and my liking for responsible people. I like calculated risks. No one says you can't have fun without putting rational safety first. These people no doubt are the thrill-seekers and will make this trip amusing and surely one of a kind. However I am worried because of the lack of experience and worse, lack of care.

But what has been done is done and I will hope for safety and to come back in one piece, just in time for the Chinese New Year. Surely, I need to learn to like spontaniety and to have a little more faith.

Best of all, 12 days till I see You again. And I am willing my holidays away because I have many things to do but none brings lasting satisfaction. I am usually happy for the moment then return to the gloominess of being unable to see you. Days like these I am irascible and restless. Happiness is fleeting. 12 days, give chase.

`jol

2011-12-25T00:01:00.002+08:00

Merry HappybirthdayJesus day to everyone!

'jol

2011-12-23T00:31:00.003+08:00

Happy holidays folks, hope all you people have a majestic time and remember to count your blessings and give your thanks. Also, I hope all you people boycott shark's fin if they are served in your family gatherings. Also, I hope all you people make the effort to recycle all the wrapping paper. Also, I hope that singapore's weather will let up on the rain and grey skies for a bit so I can feel happier. Oh, and Birdy does an incredible cover of White Winter Hymnal. Goodnight.

`jol

Grow Up.

2011-12-22T23:48:00.005+08:00

I recieved an offer from Murdoch University for vet science on monday. I was less excited than I think I should have been. Alvern's incredulous about my lack of celebration. But I suppose it's just really sunk in that yes, I am on my way to becoming a vet surgeon, yes I am thankful, and yes I do realize there're many other people that would give anything to have this chance. And it's just really sunk in that this is it. I have 6 years of hardcore mugging to do, and fees of $300,000 to pay. I keep making excuses to myself. "It's okay, you can't afford to take a gap year- it's already a 6 year course. You can travel after you graduate." But freedom is funny. Freedom is materialistic and bound under the strains of money, time and circumstance. In 6 years time, if I do pass, I will join the first practice that will take me in and work my way up. To travel the world, are you mad? You'd forget everything you've studied for. Then I will get married and have kids and lead a stable, normalistic life. And there is nothing wrong with the norm, so long as you want the norm. And I do want all that, but I want more. And the knowledge of knowing that I know fully well I am lying to myself to fuel ambition with procrastinated dreams makes me sad. I'd like to be idealistic for once. Realists are always bitter dreamers.

I recieved an email saying "Hi, you still haven't replied. You should do it soon or your place might be offered in the second intake." before I recieved the email that said "Congratulations! You have been accepted.." And all these on the 19th on December. Then they told us that the deadline was 2nd January. Then they told us that they were closed from the 23rd to the 5th of January. Hoorah, I had 4 days to try to sort out everything. And it may seem easy, sign the form, make the payment, scan it to them and you're done. However, there were complications. My passport had to be renewed, changing my passport number and because of that, my visa is now void. And without a visa, you can't process anything. I was only able to collect the new passport today, so effectively, I had this afternoon to try to settle everything. But that's not all, my mom had to work, so she had to use her lunch- a mere 2 hours. There were complications with the health cover, and my parents could only get the money on the 2nd of jan from the sale of the Orchard apartment, so we had to get a bankdraft under a family friend's name. And all thse things are overwhelming and I'm tired.

I'm tired of my dad not giving a cent's worth of care to anything, and of my mom's incessant cries for me to grow up. You're 18 now girl. You have to learn to do these things. You should take responsibility. And she's right, I should. But I'm trying. I mean up till this year, I hadn't needed to touch anything. From passports to insurance to school fees, everything was done for me. And I'm trying to learn, to do the paperwork, to take initiative, and I think I have grown, have started doing many things on my own. But things such as bankdrafts and buying property and cancelling and replacing visas I have yet to learn and have no idea about. And then mom would shout at me and ask why I don't know how to do these things. And I don't know because I have never done them before. And I'm tired and I'm trying and I don't want to be here.

There is a quiet comfort about being alone there, you know what is expected of you, you study hard, you rest, you work. And there is a routine. Wake up, read the bible, eat cereal. Once a month pay the rent, every few weeks, go grocery shopping. And I think maybe I left because I couldn't take living here anymore. I love Singapore, the buzz, the fast pace. But maybe I loved being so busy, being out all the time because I didn't like being home. And it's worse now- claustrophobic in this new small house that has no corners for me to hide in. I miss my room and my privacy, the shiny marble floors so finely polished you can see your reflection, the chandeliers and expenses of grass back, side and front yards that moated the house. The forrest, river and reservoir. I miss my privacy and I miss the things that moulded me. I hate who I am now, I hate my environment. Seletar hills estate, a rich pretentious estate that calls for glass everywhere to show off one's wealth. I miss being wealthy, spoilt as that sounds. I miss feeling safe.

I'm tired and I'm trying and I'm broken and I don't want to be here.
In this house I'll pat my own back. Congratulations, Jolyn.

`jol

freedom in mind

2011-12-16T02:53:00.000+08:00

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Mark Twain

Or perhaps I just miss the veil that had hitherto covered my eyes. Afterall, your reality is only as real as what your mind makes of it. Maybe I miss not knowing things, not having experienced larger degrees of everyday emotions or not having grown as much in thought and in character. These three sentences are just my obnoxious way of saying that I miss the innocence of how everything used to be. I know what I've left behind and I more or less know what to expect in what's to come, but nothing brings joy. The only pleasure you get from reminiscing is a sorrowful one, of happy tales that have ended. And my thoughts of the future have been. Methodical. No sex before marriage. No marriage before graduation. No graduation before acceptance letter. No acceptance letter before disciplined studying. It's strange to think that I presumably have the power to pursue anything I want and the freedom to be whoever I'd like to be. But I suppose I am a captive to my own mind, to the way I've been brought up to think- of a future that is stable, warm and normal. I am a free person. I live in a free country. I can be whoever I want to be. But my mind will never let me. We are all but prisoners to our thoughts. And by extension, the environment or people or culture that has shaped us to think in such a way. 9 year old me: I'd very much like to be a wildlife presenter. Or to constantly be travelling the world. That is not acceptable. How would your future be stable. What kind of environment is that for children to grow up in. I am free. And I live in Singapore. What is a good compromise.. Yes yes. Vet, it has to be the next best thing that satisfies the criteria for a successful future. Yes. I want to be a vet I want to be a vet I want to be a vet- There is nothing else, I will be a vet. You see, it has never been a very noble start to a dream. I compromised and taught myself to yearn for it. We are all but prisoners.

So what then, is freedom.

2011-12-14T23:17:00.003+08:00

To quench your boredom, here is something to read and some videos to watch. They are absolutely random and I hope you enjoy them (:

Address Is Approximate from The Theory on Vimeo.

www.npr.org/2008/03/28/89164759/a-victim-treats-his-mugger-right

Anyhoo, have been working the past 3 days, yesterday I worked from 7am till bout 8pm and it absolutely killed me. Have been running about as production assistant for some film company and then doing office work after hours. But the stint is over and I think it was actually quite enjoyable. So thank you Sis. (: I have been thinking a lot- too much, and I think I'm slowly losing my mind. But some days are good and I'm thankful for them. On monday I brought my little sister to climb at CA and bumped with one of my oldest climbing friends by coincidence- it's been 6 years of climbing and 3 years since I last climbed with Nigel. Climbing is really such a lovely sport. You can hang about in the gym and basically talk to anyone- though you feel inferior, the elites aren't cocky and though you laugh at the expense of first-time-climbing posers, it is always without malice.

Today I was supposed to be biking with Justin, but just as we travelled all the way from town to the East (A whopping 30mins bus ride in huge singapore, I may add!) it started to really storm. So with our plans thwarted, we went back to town and caught You Are The Apple Of My Eye. Clem had mentioned it but I was reluctant because it was a mandarin film and I had low expectations. Today it Blew. Me. Away. I think this must be the best movie I've seen in theatres this year (Note: I haven't been to the cinema much this year due to my much smaller social circle in Perth and my thin wallet.) But really, I came out of the cinema wanting to just jump right back in and demand an encore. It was so good, no one in the entire audience left untill the credits finished rolling. Maybe I'm all up my pants because I haven't seen many decent films lately, but hey, I'd definitely recommend anyone to find some way some how to watch it.

I've been sad because I realized that I've yet again lost some friends this holidays. It's always the same, you return and realize that it's just not the same for some, the distance is too great. And I think it really bugged me more than I'd have cared to admit. But I think I have come to accept that some people are meant to merely pass through in your life. I lost a bestfriend this year, along with others I gave my heart to. But I think I've learnt to come to terms with life being as such. Sometimes I feel like people are angry because I've forgotten to reply a message awhile back or because I haven't really kept up to date, after moving to Perth. But I would just like to justify myself in saying that it's hard. I mean it's not a very feasible argument, but it's the truth. You're trying to adjust to a new country, you're trying to fit in, to get your 'A's and to well, survive. And it's hard to remember to keep up with your entire social circle from before. That's not to say I didn't care. It's just- well I've a life to lead too. At the very least, I could say the same for you. I genuinely am sorry to anyone who may have felt like I wasn't giving enough, but I pray you have the empathy to realize that while all you had to work on was one friend, I had to do with 20. I don't have the arrogance to blame anyone. It breaks me but such is life, and it too, will come to pass.

For now I just pray that I may have a sea of patience, a heart of empathy and that I may be humbled and remain humble, and grant me, Lord, strength and above all, courage to fight this through. And in all things may I remain thankful.

`jol

Love, take me away before I lose myself.

2011-12-11T23:49:00.001+08:00

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between

Thank you too, Jav.

`jol

2011-12-11T22:01:00.003+08:00

I adore reading toilet graffiti in the uni. Gone are the "You first have to love yourself" and "XXX is a BITCH" that dominate the bathroom walls in college. Also there are less grammatical errors. So much for we Asians being poor in english.

I currently hate the world and I don't know why.
I also hate myself.
And everything else.
I should be happy- I have everything I wanted. But I feel. Well. Meaningless I suppose.
I wish you were here.

`jol
It's not like it is in the books. And it kills me.

An update.

2011-12-09T00:02:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to write but have not really found the time to. It's been the usual here I guess, I've been catching up with friends and swimming, running and climbing. I suppose I just haven't found the time to do everythign I've so looked forward to, there are still so many people I've still yet to meet. Yet I'm looking forward to January, to seeing Bob again. Here is an update of how my life has been, if you care to read.

The only jobs I've been able to get are all office jobs. As in 9am-6pm 5 days a week kinda jobs. I feel like nobody wants me. As if all the unofficy jobs that I want are telling me "No, you are nerdy and we don't want you. Go be a White Collar." I felt quite sad for awhile because I was not pretty enough to work at an ice cream shop or something and don't have a hot enough body to work at a retail place. But then I realize that I've been working the holidays since I was 14 and have basically squirelled all my earnings into a bank accounts. And money is for spending and I have to learn to let myself enjoy myself sometimes. I have been back to TP to climb and was greatly relieved to realize that I could clique really well with the new juniors, especially the girls. There really is no place to feel like you've really come home than at TPSC. I have become really unfit and have learnt to despise my body. I want my abs back and I think I might try to work for it. Somedays are unbearably bad whereby I sit at home and feel purposeless. I have no textbook to study and no job to do. Days like these I feel almost lost. I am currently quite ill and am uncomfortable and irascible outside of home. I hope I get better soon, for the sake of all the poor souls who fall victim to my sickly bitchiness. I have been exploring this new estate we have moved to. I haven't had the chance to do so in July because of the arm cast. I am now literally neighbours with my ex boyfriend which makes running in the evenings a little bit jumpy. Oh irony, I have always been a fan of yours.

Also. WAUPP results are out. I hope I get accepted into vet, I refuse to celebrate untill I recieve an acceptance letter. And in this, I only have one thing to say.

To God be the glory.

`jol

1000.

2011-12-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

This is post number 1000! I know it's extremely nerdy and very loser-ish but I'm actually excited about it. I mean, I know I have a few one-liners but most of my post are really really lengthy, I can only imagine how many pages I'd have written by now. (Now a small fraction of you bored people might go search my history, but please don't because I was 12 and I TyPed Lik dAt Cuz iz Co0lz. Regardless, if you do then judge away, I can't be bothered.

So like I've mentioned many many times, I think writing is my favourite form of expression, and this blog has seen countless rants, muses and ramblings; stories, poems and articles. And I think it has really grown me as a person. Not in the sense that a lot of people read here, but in the sense that I think I've just really learnt to identify myself a lot with it. It's forced me to think things through and come back to re-evaluate them over and over again. To see different perspectives and realize that an intelligent mind is able to comprehend other ideas without having to accept it. I started this when I was 12, and now I'm 18. Here are 10 important things I've learnt through that crucial period of growth.

1. Learn to draw the line between pride and love.
It shouldn't, but it does take conscious effort. You might think you have control, but really pride and anger together are an underestimated correlation. Weigh your losses before making your bets.

2. Adversity reaps tolerance and tolerance cultures strength.
Terrible times never really do last, and at the end of the day, you might not look back and laugh, but you will not regret them. It will change you, it will bring you to where you are today, and if where you are is contentment, then be thankful. If you're not, then there is still road to travel. Pick yourself up.

3. Learn to say "I love you." and "I am sorry."
Not only to your boyfriend or friends. Learn to tell your parents you love them, to show your appreciation. Your mother's vagina did not stretch 10cm for pure lols. This might have been the hardest thing my siblings and I have taken up- it takes a shameful amount of courage and guts to tell the people who borne you that you love them. Awkwardness is momentarily.

4. Pessimism is safety, normality is security, but sometimes, take a chance.
It might not be the path you want to travel, but it may lead you where you want to end up. Seeing my results, maybe I don't regret taking a chance on Australia afterall. And I definately don't regret kissing an almost-stranger on a mountain top.

5. Have courage and take heart. Everyone's fighting a battle.
During times of conflict, I sometimes wondered how a person so horrible could have any friends. And then realizes that she may be thinking the same things about me. No matter how horrible you think a person is, there will still be people who love her. And these people see her in a different light than you. Who are you to say your opinion counts more. I don't believe hatred should be essential in everyday life.

6. Remember to love yourself.
I've competed a lot over the years, only to realize that sometimes Glory is not forever, and Pain is not temporary. My ankle will not stop hurting, my elbow will not return to it's normal strength and I will never reach the full height I could have become. Sometimes your heart says yes but your body says no. And sometimes, you have to listen to your body. I regret that it might be too late for me. Don't beat yourself up too much.

7. Be thankful.
Regardless of whether you have a God or not. For being able to see, or for having normal limbs or for having an education, a family or a home. There is no end to the things you can be thankful for. Open your eyes and take in the world, for you never know when you might lose your sight. Once in awhile, take your headphones off- listen to the sounds around you. Taste different things, use your legs- run. Share your umbrella. Smile at strangers.

8. Don't look for love.
Keep your heart open and be brave. When you make choices based on kindness, you usually realize it was the right choice to make. Love comes in many forms, from animals, yourself, a counterpart or family. When you love, love will find it's way to you. Besides, people that are meant to be together will find their way in the end. But choices, work and sacrifices will determine a happy ending.

9. Indifference.
I think I have learnt to associate a lot with indifference. If someone's no good for you- constantly hurts you, makes you think negatively or consistently brings you down, become indifferent to him. It's tricky, this indifference. Because I constantly wonder if Indifference is cowardice or courage. But I suppose it works for me. If you hurt me pass my point of acceptance, you become dead to me. It keeps me safe and it allows me to forgive and move on.

10. There is no shame in sorrow.
This year has taught me so much. Going to Australia has broken me a thousand times and built me up tenfold. Sorrow is just as worthy as happiness or desperation. No one emotion has more value over another. It's alright to feel lonely, it's alright to be sad. It's alright.

2011-12-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

Love,
Happy eighteenth birthday.
I miss you so much I think I might lose my mind. I'm surrounded by so many people but everyday it's just you, me and my imagination. I wish I were there or you were here because there is not here, and you need to be here and not there. I feel like I keep missing you by a split second on the internet, but that's just as well, I don't think I'd know what to say if I caught you. Even staying on your page, knowing that you were just there a few minutes before is a comfort, as pathetic as that is.
I know this isn't childish infatuation- I just really miss you, having seen you everday for so long before now. I like how after all this (Certainly not long enough) time, you still give me butterflies as if I were meeting you for the first time. You're so brilliant, don't soon forget.

P.s Don't be so depressingly pessimistic because I am the cynic in this and I have enough pessimism for the whole of Australia. Besides, you basically can see no stars at all in Singapore given how small and brightly lit we are. Be practical. we are under the same atmosphere and that works, too. Thank God for spherical objects and their center of gravity.

P.p.s There is a box(The biggest) beside the fish tank containing Su and Shi strewn with all your crap, if you haven't already done so, look in the box.

P.p.p.s Be patient. More to come.

Always,
`jol

2011-11-27T00:12:00.003+08:00

Hi guys, I know I said my Singapore SIM card had an error and I'd get it fixed by today, but turns out, the problem lies with the phone. Because I got this phone from Australia, it's locked- All Australian-bought phones are locked and cannot be accessed by any overseas service provider untill they unlock it. So I've to figure a way to call them or something to unlock and access my phone. Till then I'm going to borrow my brother's iPhone whilst he's in camp, so I should be contactable by tomorrow, hopefully. I feel like all iPhones just disagrees with me. All of them get stolen or even when I do have it, I can't use it. Gah- frustrated. I'm still angry with myself for being so careless all the time. I still really want to kick whoever the ~~thief was~~ thieves were in the balls. Wearing steel toed boots or something. Even though I don't own any boots.

Flight over was fine albeit uneventful. There was this 1 year old kid walking up and down the aisle and he would stop at my seat and hand me a bottle of water, and then smile expectantly. I was expected to take it, hold it for 3 seconds and hand it back to him. Now this happened quite a lot of times, so the next time I held my hand out in a stop signal and just put it against the bottle instead of taking it. He then looked confused and burst out crying and ran to hide behind his mother's legs.
I am a terrible person. ):

Anyhoo I'm glad to be back, I've missed everybody :') I love especially to indulge in opening the fridge for no particular reason because it feels good to be able to open the fridge and know you're allowed to eat anything you want at all. And I was all excited about not having to do laundry or the dishes or the cleaning or any chores! I do however miss Perth, I find that I suddenly can't stand the sticky crowds and kiasu aunties; the bengs and lians; the congested roads and unceasing noise. But this is home, and it's comforting to be back. And to not be a racial minority. Hah, I kid. I feel like I'm going through a withdrawal, however cheesy what it implies is. I hope You're having tons of fun but remember to be smart and to take calculated risks- don't get alcohol poisoning, don't OD and don't have drunk sex with strangers, please. I think about you practically 59 times every hour, and it sucks. And the 1 time in an hour that I'm not, I'm thinking about how pathetic this is. I kinda want time to move a little faster so I can see you in January quicker. Meh. I is sad.

Anyhoo, been tired and been busy, and been contented- well, almost contented save for the above(s) stated. I DESPERATELY NEED TO WORK because all my moneys is in Australian currency and I'm therefore dirt poor here:( I don't like feeling penniless. So if any of you kind souls reading this have any lobang, pleaseeeeee direct your help here.

`jol

2011-11-24T11:24:00.005+08:00

The past 2 weeks have been very eventful. Like afore mentioned, I've been trying to make the most of my time with Bob till I've to go home. And on contrary to my initial worries, I think neither of us got sick of seeing each other every waking minute (And more than half the sleeping minutes) of the past 2 weeks. Managed to do everything that we've been meaning to do. Managed to get a couple of pictures the last few days, and these 10 pictures should suffice as an accurate summary. I'm so blessed really.

I shopped- a lot- and I think spent about $400 in the past few days. We were quite touristy I think, which is ironic, seeing as I've been here a year and he's Australian. (Thank you for allowing me to drag you through every shop whilst standing there being "the only guy in a girl shop, feeling awkward." Def brownie points there.) Searched the town, finally succumbing to google and a GPS to look for cuisine Pavlova. Built a lovely swing by the shore- Without breaking an arm. Watched drunk Anil being hilarious at Tayla'sparty and the guys shaving his legs and doing God knows what else whilst he lay in his unconscious in his own vomit- which was quite mean, but still quite funny. Went whale watching and actually saw my first wild Humpback splashing about, even if for only a few minutes. Beached a lot, ate fish-and-chips a lot and watched a lot of beautiful sunsets. These, amongst other equally as significant, equally as fun things, of course. Also I did well in my driving theory test and got my learner's permit and a first unofficial lesson in driving a car- so I suppose I've driven for the first time.

I'm quite glad at the prospects of flying home tomorrow and finally seeing my family and Corlie again. And I'm excited about having friends again. Or well- having more friends than I can count on my fingers. It's been a rewarding but lonely year. But I suppose I quite hate the fact that I won't be able to see Bob for so many weeks. But still- it could be worse. I at most, don't see him for the holidays, but am here for the rest of the school year. What of Jason and Gail? I'm worried that I'll feel purposeless and useless at home because school's still on and I don't think I'll be able to fill every single day with something to do unlike the last time. But I suppose I've to learn to enjoy not having a to-do list.

`jol

2011-11-19T03:37:00.004+08:00

I just spent the past 7 hours cutting, sewing, tying and sorting. I am quite glad with- proud of even-my masterpiece (; And I passed the first driving trial test I did, which makes me feel quite yay. Yesterday was a party- well not really, at Elliots after shopping then fishing under the rain with Aaron, Tahlia and Bob. I had fun. Sort of. Except that my tolerance for alcohol is unimaginably low because I practically don't drink at all, so I felt like shit after. But at least I have finally golly-ed (without break any bones.) Also we caught no fish and I was being quite poopy, I suppose, because I wanted to get out of the rain. I look forward to tomorrow and sunday and monday but not tuesday. Because Bob's leaving for Dunsborough on wedsnesday and then I'm leaving Perth on thurday, and I'm quite dreading it, a little bit. It's bittersweet I suppose. Sigh, everytime I think about all the packing, cleaning, planning and laundry I've to get done eventually, I feel meh.

Anyhow, I realized my blog has been depressingly wordy and lengthy and dreary. So here's a nice happy song. Sara Bareilles' entire album, Keleidoscope Heart is really good- as Eugene predicted, I enjoyed every song on it. Well, I mean if you like Michelle branch and Ingrid Michaelson, you'd probably like this album. So do check it out.(:

Goodnight world.

`jol

Maybe a little bit patriotic

2011-11-19T00:07:00.003+08:00

Singapore is a very cut-throat society.

At unimaginably young ages of 8, 9 and 12, we get a taste of streaming. I'm not sure if the system has been abolished, but I remember being in EM2 and Band4 of Chinese. I was never a good student. And perhaps it's a flaw; in primary school, I don't think I understood the importance of studying, I didn't understand that how well I did in the PSLE would determine which high school I would be able to enter, and we all know the high-school period defines you a lot. It is the age of reasoning and perception, where you start realizing things and making choices. I got 198/300 for PSLE. That, I just realized, is only but a 66%. My parents never believed in forsaking a childhood for extraordinary results. My mom told me "Well done, girl! 198 is quite good!" And I believed her- until I was about 14 or so when I was able to compare my results with that of the majority of my friends who all did much better than I. A few marks lower and I wouldn't even have been able to get into the express stream. I was young, I never knew.

But I think it is reasonable for Singapore to adopt such a demanding regime in the educational sector. I came from a relatively shit high school, and was able to pull myself up. I think ultimately, at 15 or 16, children should be mature enough to understand the importance of their education, to understand that if they want something they have to work for it. Australia is much, much more lenient. And I think it works here, but it could never work in Singapore. Not with our tight regulation of jobs. The government pushes for better and better diplomats. We are producing smarter, more hardworking students. But we are not producing enough job vacancies for these graduates to fill. Singapore has a land area of about 710km^2. That is incredibly small. How many more universities can you establish, I wish Singapore offered a wider range of courses, then I wouldn’t be forced to go overseas. But I don’t blame her for not being able to. We are the 2nd most globalised country as of 2009, and for a 46 year old country. We have come a long, long way from the swamp that we were. No, I am not about to go on about how great I think my country is. We all know how much I pick on our flaws too. All I'm trying to say is that I don't think the cut-throat society that is Singapore is unfair.

I think we are all given a chance to establish ourselves. We all sit the same 'O'/'A' level papers. Now, it is true that the exams are not an indication of intelligence. Of course not, some of the people I most admire for their intelligence don't do all that well in school. What I am though saying, is that it is by no means, unfair. You want it, you work for it. No one is denying you the ability to be disciplined, to sit down for 6 hours a day and read your text book. And at the age of 16, I don't think the struggles of youth-hood ought to be an excuse. You can certainly have fun whilst taking responsibility of your future. I would forsake the innocent pleasures of smoking marijuana and drinking regularly to do well in school, because this is my one chance to get my heart’s desire. You have to be the top 5% of the Australian cohort to get into Vet science in university here because the demand is just that great. However, you can get into university with a school score of 50, which would translate to an ATAR of 66, and sometimes I find it simply absurd. A place in a major Singapore university is like a place in vet science here. It doesn't make our system better; it doesn't mean our universities ought to be more renowned. It just contributes to my disbelief at the leniency of the educational sector here. I hope you don't mistake this for arrogance, I hope you don't read this as me trying to say my country trumps Australia, because I am not. This leniency works for Australia, as Bob has so thoroughly explained to me. However the demanding system of Singapore works for it too. I think I have worked relatively hard here- not my best and my all, but I think I have been fairly consistent. And I honestly think I may not get in. And if that happens, I will be upset, I will be depressed and I will be demoralized. But I am not going to say "No. I worked hard. This is unfair." Because if I don't get in. I have worked hard, just not hard enough. Someone else has wanted this more than me, has given more than I have, and has gotten it. It is fair. I have myself to blame.

I'm not saying it's a nice or even an easy thing to accept. However I commonly read about how so many of our intelligent teenagers write in to the Department of Education ranting about how our system is "Read, Memorize, Regurgitate." For my Australian studies paper, I was asked to compare Singapore and Australia, and as taught, like in the model essay, I wrote about how my country was simply memory work, whereas here in Australia, I am now able to seek knowledge simply for the enjoyment of it. This has gotten me an A. But it is bullshit. It is irony at its greatest. This is the model answer for this subject in Australia, and I have memorized it without agreeing with it, and regurgitated it to get a good grade. Isn't this exactly the same as what I'm trying to argue against Singapore? I have memorized the biology textbook to the best of my abilities before the exam because the exam tests your capacity for knowledge regarding it. This is exactly the same as Singapore. In every society, you read, memorize and regurgitate. Well for high school that is- university might be different.

The ideal system would test a fish on its ability to swim and the monkey on its ability to climb, not on both these animal's ability to fly. The ideal system would be not to only study the examinable chapters and be able to ask questions out of the textbook; one where a student is constantly asking “why”;where curiosity and a willingness to see beyond the books is embraced. It would be one where we didn't have to simply memorize, but to understand; one where a child's strengths are assessed rather than his weakness. It is unfair, because different people have different areas of weaknesses. But what the critics don't provide is a solution. You want the Ideal system but you don’t offer any suggestions as to how to achieve it. It is impossible to set a different exam paper for every student specially catered to their strengths. That too, could hold a large degree of unfairness. Therefore a universal paper has to be created- one that is set my Cambridge, assessed by Cambridge and graded by Cambridge. A student is still able to be curious, to ask questions in this society. It’s a matter of whether a student will still bother to, knowing that it will not be assessed. The only thing that I find unfair is that people don’t all get opportunities. I had vet classmates that were getting 4.0GPAs, that volunteered at shelters more than I did, who were more devoted, more disciplined and more intelligent. They simply were not offered the same opportunity that I had to come to Australia due to monetary matters. Or perhaps, I am just lucky to have such open-minded parents. And this is unfair, but to this matter I say “Life is unfair.” It is not a result of the system. This is simply a turn for the worse in the hands of luck and fate.

Our system is not ideal, but it is the most realistically ideal it can be for this time for this country. We all want an ideal system; we have to just start searching for a way to attain it rather than send extremely sophisticated letters complaining about how ‘life sucks’.

`jol

2011-11-17T11:36:00.004+08:00

Today I recieved an email from my Mom saying:

Did you know that a duck's quack has no echo and nobody knows why. Each of the 4 kings on playing cards represent a real king in history; Spades, King David; Hearts, Alexander The Great; Clubs,Charlemagne ; Diamonds, Julius Caesar. A statue in a park with a soldier on a horse with it's 2 feet in the air means that it's soldier died in combat. If only 1 foot in is the air, it's soldier died of wounds from the combat, and if all 4 feet are on the ground it means it's soldier died of natural causes. The word 'Cemetry' comes from the greek word 'koimetirion' which means 'dormitory'. In ancient england, the people could not have sex without consent from the king. When people wanted to have a child they had to solicit a permission to the monarchy, in return they would recieve a plaque to hang on their door when they had sexual relations. It read 'Fornification Under Consent of the King'. i.e F.U.C.K. During historic civil wars, when troops returned without any casualties, a sign was put up so all could see which read ' 0 Killed' From there we get the expression "O.K" which means all is well. Also, all Polar Bears are left-handed.

No mom, I did not know some of these things, and I am somehow skeptical about the proposed origin of the word "fuck". Anyhow, I think my mom is adorable. I will thought reject her facebook friend request for what must be the eigth time or something untill she removes me from her dp.

I've been enjoying myself quite a bit here, it's practically everyday with Bob if we're not climbing with the usual- because Jace's gone home and the UWA-ers are having their exams. We've been camping, beaching, movie marathoning, star-gazing, shopping and well, eating. Tayla's party is on saturday and then we intend to go whale-watching, fishing and to finally build the swing. I've been spending a lot of money unnecessarily, but I feel like I deserve to buy all-the-things after having spent so many months saving and not having fun because of the exams. Had dinner with Bob's parents over the weekends, and on contrary to the initial oh-no-what-if-they-hate-me-ness, I actually enjoyed myself. Everything's going so well, I'm going to go home and hopefully get a job and see all my friends and spend time with my family and then come January I get to backpack with the Aussie friends and Bob may come visit Singapore afterwards. I feel like everything's so perfect and it makes me afraid. When all's good you have things to lose. Also I kinda don't want to jump from seeing each other everyday to not seeing each other for months. It will suck.

In the July holidays I condemned my arm to a cast, missed my flight and got my phone stolen. And since I've already gotten yet another phone stolen, I feel like it's only natural for the other 2 things to befall me too. Yesterday I sprained my ankle and I hope I hope I hope that is the only injury to come. Though somehow I feel like surely this can't be it. It can't be so minor. It's a dreadful feeling to be expecting something terrible to happen to me. I hope I won't miss my flight. My ankle's swollen like a bitch and I've iced it the whole morning. Really, it's hurting more than it should for such a minor injury. That, or I've stopped doing sports so much that I've forgotten the normals pains and become a wuss.

Anyhow, I think I'm really lucky to have what I have, and I'm thankful for Bob, to the extent I feel like it's too perfect to last. But I'd like to believe when he says it's too good not to.

`jol

2011-11-13T16:18:00.003+08:00

It's strange, you'd expect someone who's just finished her major exams to be ecstatic, elated, exuberant. Like I remember, after the 'O's, I could literally just sit in bed for an hour in disbelief, feeling extremely glad that it was all over. I suppose I expected this time to be the same. But it isn't. I felt all happy and fuzzy for maybe the first hour or so after my last paper, and Jace and I literally danced, skipped and rolled home. But then afterwards, it just felt. I don't know. I'm not already obesessing about uni, but I will admit I am worried. I feel like a gave something far from my best. And everytime I tell someone I'm worried, they will look at me in disbelief and go "You're the dux! You will surely get in!" And I don't want that, I want someone to hear out my worries, to believe when I say I think there really is a chance I've missed the mark. Because what if I don't? I can't live up to expectations and if I let myself believe them, I'm the only one who gets hurt when I don't get in. Regardless, we camped out on leighton beach that day, and it was fun, and I for a bit, I felt utter contentment, lying there, staring at the fire and listening to the guys sing songs and laugh amiably- I thought I've done pretty alright. I think I am an extremely lucky girl, I have a loving boyfriend, friends I'm comfortable around, family that supports me at all cost and a chance to get into the course of my dreams in university. I don't have a billion friends and I'm still always unconfident and uncomfortable at parties, but at that moment, I felt that I've done Alright.

Jason flew yesterday, and I was really sad about it. Not that he was flying home so early- I'm practically the only one who's decided to stay a full two weeks more. Most of the other internationals flew within a day or 2 after their last papers. So Jace moved out yesterday and Akina began moving into his room. I'm sad that I won't get to live with Jace anymore. I feel strangely lonely again. I never realized how much of my life I've shared with Jason since moving in; everyday when we walked home from school, it would be a stretch of idiotic mimes and skipping or shouting or making the Jason-face. I think I can be an idiot most around Jace, and it has been a blessing. Yesterday night wasn't too good, and I went home and realized that I couldn't go into his room to rant or cry about my studies, boyfriend or friends. I think I've forgotten how lonely it can get. I wonder if maybe 2 weeks is too long- but I'm not in a rush to go home either. Like I said, I don't want to once again face up to how much things have changed and find out how many friends I've let drifted again. I don't want to go home and be unable to see my boyfriend for months yet I don't want to stay here because it makes me sad. Regardless, being in both countries make me feel unbearably alone. I want to fly to some distant country for these few months where I've nothing to do but to wait and see if we're good enough. Because then, it would be Alright to feel alone, I would be able to embrace it and maybe even enjoy the value of it instead of feeling incompetent and pathetic because of it. Yes, I want to fly away.

I've been feeling sad the past few days, and I don't know why. It catches me by the gut and drags me down to weariness. All I want to do everyday really, is read my books, cut up my clothes and make pretty things, spend money unnecessarily buying all-the-things and sleep. I want to sleep everything away, but everytime I wake up, I still feel drained purposeless and insufficient.

All the best to the 'A' Levellers who must be up to their necks in stress, I hope you guys remember to love yourselves. It will all be over soon, I hope you'll give your best so you can't regret. Like me.
To the rest of the folks, I hope all your 11:11:11 11.11.11 wishes come true.

`jol

2011-11-10T13:00:00.003+08:00

HELLO UNIVERSITY
And Goodbye highschool, Forever!

In 2009 I said "well good-bye uniforms good-bye highschool!" I didn't expect I would be returning to college, in another country.
But this time, regardless of weather I get into vet science or not, I am never returning to high school. Never. This is it, if I don't get my 95.4 I'm giving up on the dream and just doing zoology or wildlife conservation in UWA- I won't try again. Unless, of course, our transcripts get lost in a fire and I'm forced to retake the exams, but let's hope for the bet shall we.
Today's bio paper was really hard whereby for once it wasn't that I had the answers but no time, rather I didn't know the answers to them. Maybe I've been too complacent or maybe I'm just quite dumb. But regardless, it's out of my hands now, I suppose I've just got to have a little faith and just keep my fingers crossed. It scares me a lot. If I really don't get into vet- and there is quite a high chance of that happening, then I'm giving up. A life of dreaming and working for it, of sacrificing everything for a chance. I'm afraid I won't have any drive, ambition or reason left to do anything at all. Also mom might buy me an apartment if I get in, and I really do want an apartment. But that's the lesser reason.

Now it's time to pray really really really hard. If it be God's will, may I get in, and in everything, Glory be to your name.

No-longer-a-college-student,
'jol

Enlisting

2011-11-07T23:42:00.006+08:00

Tomorrow my Kor enlists into the army. Goodbye head-of-shaggy-hair. And as ordinary as enlisting is, I somehow wish I were home to give him a hug. I'm quite sad that when I get home he won't be around for the few more weeks or so till the first term- or whatever it is, ends. I basically know nothing about the army system besides that you are kept for month or two and subsequently are allowed to visit home once a week. I regret that I can't be home to ask all these questions. Although my brother and I talk an indefinitely little amount and barely do anything together anymore, I'm quite proud that's he's entering the army. It's like truly leaving behind our childhood of light saber fights, fort building and tree climbing. I look a very happy girl in that picture, thank you for that.

Kor, I hope you have life experiences and learn the pains and joy of tolerance, loyalty and brotherhood. I'll miss what little I see of you and hope that you'll truly take care of yourself there. I love you.

'jol

Long-overdued

2011-11-07T21:36:00.003+08:00

Difference In Familirity

You cast a sideway grin at me.
The resounding familiar presence.
Head whirling with ideas sparked from your ingenuity.
We're worlds apart- oh, the irony.

Outwardly celibate,
Of all the lectures and confessions.
Suddenly a renegade,
A loss too much to compensate.

Languorous speech, the best saved for good times.
For the mind speaks the heart cries,
For all reality and life it binds.
For the mind speaks not when the heart dies.

Indefatigable fervour,
For it's your whole livelihood now.
The others will shout bloody murder,
A part death, indeed a part buried.

Your weak subterfuge in apologies
Indeed, obdurate I have become.
For the truth spews in sarcastic effrontery
When the last straw was burnt.

In the past, huge- magnate,
Respect in your candour.
But what soon turned to pathetic propitiate,
Obeisance no more.

Now unequivocal in my sacrosanct,
You'll have to fight demons to get through.
Remember the days of our adolescence,
It'll lead you to the yellow brick road.

Your presence so familiar,
Like nothing has changed at all.
As if time were at an interim,
The difference the size of an apoplexy.

For that's what it is;
You were a part of me.

May 22 2010 2.22am

I remember one of our sleepovers, how I was so, outraged, by your ignorance, how I paced the hall back and forth whilst you guys were sleeping, trying to figure out a way to leave without having to leave the door unlocked, because although not very plausible, it was still entirely possible for a maniacal murderer to chance upon your open door, and then blood will be on my hands for leaving the front door unlocked. I peered over the balcony and wondered if I could climb down- I was, after all, a climber. I then decided against it because if I were to slip and fall, I would break my leg. And worse still, I would have to see you in the morning. I then settled for sitting in the dark living room, my legs crossed and my hands prying at fingernails of the other, staring at the blank TV, until I heard the first train horn that would signal 5am-or-so: I would leave then. And at 5am-or-so, I tried the front door and was ecstatic to find out you had forgotten to lock it last night; Whether I left or not, wouldn’t make a difference in the case of a maniacal murderer chancing upon your open door.

The whole hour-journey home, I was furious; Furious at you, at me, at him, but mainly at you. And me. I vowed never to speak to you again, then. But I knew, I knew I would, I knew that I could never give you up, not fully, not wholly. But I vowed all the same- and made myself believe that the walls I build around myself that have so effectively kept my hunters out will also keep out the people that tend to my wounds. I got home and, as always, started writing and writing and writing, about everything and nothing at all, until nothing made sense about everything. Then I deleted it, and tried again. And out came Difference in Familiarity. I vowed I would never again let you in, never again let myself be humiliated, never again take your apologies and never again apologize.

And it worked for awhile, I kept myself occupied and I went on about my meagre daily doings. And then one night a few days later I received a text that said “Letterbox.” My weakness is in anything written, preferably handwritten: In drawings and colours and black and whites and crafted. If you were diabetic, I would have loved you very much. I have always been a sucker for the cheesy, the old-school sweet and the Sincere. In coloured pencils and your terrible handwriting and not-that-perfect grammar: “I have been very insensitive to a very sensitive girl. I am sorry.” I could ignore texts and decline calls, but how could I ever not read a letter. You were right, I could never.

It is pretty ironic, Difference in Familiarity would seem far more fitting in the circumstance of the now, but truth be told, it just grew from metaphorical to be of a very literal context. Sadly.

How is it possible that I could know almost everything about you, from tiny irritancies to the way your mind processes complex things. You have always been a hopeless romantic, idealistically dreaming out the way things would be. You are prideful. But you try not to show it, you know your strengths and you laugh at the weakness of others in regards to them- but never condescendingly, and when it was condescending, it was all but a staged play. You are sensitive but you don’t want people to know, you don’t want people to see that you care about anything at all. Or you had, you were and you didn’t. I can’t say so confidently now. People change, and perhaps we did- I haven’t been able to be around much to grow with it. What killed me a lot was that you chose to leave, you chose to simply decide “Ah well. She left. I can’t do this. No no, it is way too difficult. I can only be there when I’m there. Yes, yes. That is reasonable, and why shouldn’t it be. No, no. Yes. This shall be how it shall be.”

I read them all before you deleted them. It makes me wonder if to you, I am an embarrassment. No, no, I am neither stalking you, nor do I wait at your page anxiously seeking your acknowledgement. I chanced upon it- quite timely, really, considering they were there for eyes to pry for only a few hours. I think I can move on. I don’t know if I have, but I know I can, if I so choose to be. I have enjoyed you. How it was purely platonic. It has never been an excuse for hand-holding or shuffling closer together, the horror movies we have watched. It has always been separate beds of respectable distances apart. I could never date my best friend. I am a cynic. It did not even flutter across my mind, me coming back 7 years later and falling in love. Sure enough, I was right, each found another to hold. And I cannot say I don’t love my love, and neither can you, I hope. I do sometimes think about you, and think about things, and wish we could instead tell each other how thankful we are for our other-halves. I was right- you could never come through with this. I was right- it would fall apart. You would think that my pessimism would have protected me heavily from this despondent discovery. It didn’t. I was sad that I was right.

I wish I were not writing with such finality. All the 3am -biking and sitting at the pier on a thin, cold metal rail in the middle of an immense body of water. The sky would be red, as it always is, in Mandai. Some dawns we could hear the roars of lions and the trumpets of elephants from the zoo. I loved living near the zoo. I loved walking around the old train tracks and playing in abandoned army obstacle courses. We found dead monkeys, all with bloodied heads and exposed brains, on three occasions. I liked the 5-houred phone conversations that for most parts involved not talking at all and just being comforted by the fact that someone was on the other end. It was never sexual nor flirtatious. I would tell you about how I got bullied at school today and you would tell me it doesn't last. I sang for you when you were sad at times. But mostly, we just grew together. Sometimes we would meet with our friend, and I loved the three of us, talking about life, laughing about love and lusting about death. I have never been more comfortable than when I was sitting in a coffeeshop at 3am in the morning, bleary eyed and fuzzy headed, listening to the banter between you two that somehow always involves sex.

These moments are very much a part of me, and it saddens me that it is just one more thing that I have lost from my life at home by coming to Australia. I have lost so much, so many people and so faced so many comfortable silences turned awkward and forced. I don't think I will go back to Hope, I can barely recognize home in there, the people have changed, or maybe I have. Regardless, I can no longer talk to some people I used to tell everything to. It's different with the team, I am no longer very much of a climber. But this is one of the worst thefts that have occurred to me.

I do miss you, but I doubt it could ever be the way it was.
I hate that all I’m coming home to are fragmented memories and my desperate endeavour to recreate them.

`jol

2011-11-06T15:46:00.003+08:00

You'll be my star I'll let you lead.
You'll be my scar I'll let you bleed.

All over me, all over me.

Your neat, subtly italized scraws are all over my math papers, really, really, my intellect pales in comparison to your ingenuity. But the difference is in that you're one person that makes me feel stupid that I actually want to stick around; because you don't know just how brilliant you are. And the best thing about people like you is that you can't be prideful about something you don't believe you have.

'jol

Carry You Home

2011-11-05T21:31:00.001+08:00

It rained today, it made me happier, a little bit. I don't really know what to think, my thoughts are a mess. I want to smirk yet I want to pour my eyes out. It's not so much sadness than an empty pitless feeling in your stomach, where you feel like everything's just falling, falling, fallen, into nowhere. Where you don't know where you stand. I wish I didn't have to study today. I've barely gotten anything done. I am going to fail math, well. Asian-fail it. And I'm not going to get an A for it then I won't have any chance of getting an A average then I won't be able to get into vet science, so screw the world. Everyone thinks I'm so damned smart and so damned hardworking and determined and strong. But I'm neither of them. What I am is Tired. Of people as well as my own expectations, tired of people, tired of things, tired of being tired. I am tired. Really, I just want to sit in a secluded corner of an old teashop amongst mismatched chairs and contented silences with a book in my lap, a cup of coffee on the table and a window to watch the rain out of. With or without you. As usual, here is a list of songs I hope you'll enjoy.

Timshels - Mumford and Sons
Already Fell - The Music Dept
Open Your Eyes - Andrew Belle
Crazy Ever After (Acoustic) - The Rescues
Broken Horse - Freelance Whales
New Year - The Kissaway Trail
Dance So Good - Wakey!Wakey!
Off Track - The Features
Terrible Things - Mayday Parade
Don't Wear Me Out - Oceanship
Roll Over Me - The Autumn Film

`jol

8

2011-11-05T05:11:00.001+08:00

I've been to Hawaii once in my life and I've been going to Malaysia every year or so since I was one. Needless to say, because Malaysia is so near, has always been so accessible to me- because I've always been able to go there as and when I wanted to, it ceases to be amazing, wonderful, special. The States, on the other hand, how much I want to see the States, I was so young when my parents brought us there, I can't remember the joys I supposedly must have experienced. Its inaccessible to me and I yearn for it. Drinking coffee is normal- I do it every morning. How different it would be for someone who has only, in his entire life, tasted coffee once and loved it. Who's going to love coffee more?

There has only ever been one other for me, even so, it was so. Tentative. That is how much it all means to me. I can't bear the thought of being touched right now. It's conceited and it's closed-minded, but a closed-minded society reaps closed-minded girls like me. And I think, it isn't a flaw at all, to be closed-minded about this.

You're so beautiful when you sleep.

2011-11-02T22:37:00.001+08:00

Summer is coming. The exam hall had neither fans nor an air conditioner. I was baking in there. Worse still when the summer flies are trapped in there too. Oh Murdoch College, where do our 15k a year school fees go to? Time to wear house shirts and FBTs to the exams. Which led me to this. I think I will have to. Soon.

Anyway, after the paper today, there was a rainbow, which made me, for the first time ever, happy after doing a paper. But then again it's english: because we are international, an A would count for nothing. I get to go home in 23 days. Bittersweet because 2 weeks suddenly seems too short a time to spend with Bob. Also Jason is leaving like next week and moving out too, and I'm quite torn about it because we've grown really close and I can't imagine being unable to, for whatever stupid reason, barge into his room to simply slack around. But then I've been missing my friends back home and my Corlie. And my brother bought me a guinea pig, which I have yet to meet. And my mom bought me this cute orange halter dress which makes me happy. Today I also weighed myself in like 5 months and was pleasantly surprised to find out I am still the same weight as when I first came here. But then I think it's only because all my muscle mass has turned into fats and fats are less dense than muscle. I've been hating on my body the past few weeks. Anyhoo, time to chem.

`jol

2011-11-01T12:30:00.001+08:00

Today will be the first WAUPP paper. And this is it: A 95.8 and I'm on my way to becoming a veterinary surgeon. But I've been really undisciplined and unmotivated of late. It's not even the start and I'm thinking to the end. Hell I'm literally counting down to the end. 10 days. 10 days and it's all over. The whole moving-to-Australia-to-try-to-get-in is over. I feel like I'm going to do badly because I don't deserve to do well, not with my slackness and procrastination. I'm afraid that if I do badly I'll have no one to blame but myself. I want it so bad that I'm tired d yearning, of working for it. But here we are and it's not like I can change anything significantly now. May God's grace be upon me.

As of 5.00pm today, I never ever ever ever have to do economics again! I'm pumped for that.

All the best, nerds.

'jol

2011-11-01T00:38:00.003+08:00

Me: Happy birthday, Storm!
Storm: NAWWW bebz LOL! As birthday boy I declare myself funny.

5 minutes later I received a call.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Sigh. Okay. Why?"
"To get to your house!"
*random burst of laughter on his part and my 'I don't get it'-ness*
"Knock knock."
"Really? Bigger sigh. Who's there?"
"THE CHICKEN!"

I want to slap you but We all love you.

'jol

Stripped

2011-10-30T12:58:00.002+08:00

This is what a human heart looks like stripped of flesh, fat and blood.

It isn't like the poets paint it. A heart isn't neat, it isn't docile welcoming and least of all soft. It is filled with vicious reds and terrible yellows. It looks like a fist, trapped and fighting to burst forth from its cage of arteries and veins. A heart is always working, always fighting, never meek and never submissive. It's pumps aren't that of a gentle rhythmitic wave, each is a pound, forcing blood against walls, forcing things out to bring new things in. A heart isn't a sanctuary. It's a soldier.

Who would've thought stripped and naked, it could be so beautiful.

You meant so much to me, my circumstance is a living testimony to how much of myself I invested in you.
It's been painful and it's been merciless, but thank you, for showing me that when I've been stripped raw of my stripes, I am still able to find some beauty in the things around me. You've hurt me and forced me to be vulnerable, you've demanded the best of me and forced me to be stronger than I was.
You've given me so much by taking away so much.

But I don't think it's worth it anymore.

'jol

2011-10-29T12:52:00.000+08:00

What are you doing, Jol? Don't lose your feet.

Tonight it's 15 degrees and the window's cracked open and every now or so, an icy chill would sweep into the room, laying siege to everything it's curling tendrils can reach. And I'm in bed under a bundle of blankets reading chemistry but not really, and absently scrolling through tumblr even though I neither own nor follow one, thinking about everything and nothing and feeling sad, as I do. Then I realized I have yoghurt in the fridge and caramel, chocolate and marshmallows on the shelves. So I made ice cream. You don't get any.

'Jol

2011-10-26T23:13:00.003+08:00

Two weeks, love, two weeks, and the world is ours.

jol

Sidenote: The entire album for Wakey!Wakey!- Almost Everything I wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You..- is so good. Enjoy(:

2011-10-25T01:06:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it's like you're not mine at all. It's like sitting by a wishing well, desperately speaking one endeavor into it after another, enthralled yet never fulfilled by the echo that resonates back from the immeasurable depth of what remains an enigma. It's like knowing there really isn't a conversation, just you raking your brain for anything at all to say so you can keep something alive, because you're so afraid to let it die, to be alone. It's like talking to a wall and convincing yourself it's a magical wall, and it replies you. It's like sitting, listening to an echo that is really just a vocal acknowledgement, an identation, a ghost of your words uttered rather than a reply at large. Sometimes I feel like I should really just leave you alone- but then we won't speak at all. Most of the time I feel like I'm bothering you, that to continue our conversation requires way too much effort. I always fear that you'll one day realize that you're too good for me. I know you value me, but it makes me. It makes me feel like an insect. Buzzing annoyingly around your hair, shouting to a bunch of pixels, "NOTICE MY SIGNIFICANCE!" as I do here so oftenly. I just don't bother to post my posts on facebook because the attention of a kabillion pixels is enough to satisfy me. I don't know, attention from living, breathing, non-inanimate objects feels nice sometimes, but then I suppose I want to keep this thing pure, I suppose I want to keep writing simply for my love of it, for the sake of my own sanity. I don't want to share this with people, to let them take away my refuge. I don't want attention to get to my head, I'm terrified of becoming prideful, attention is nice sometimes, but at the end of the day, writing is for my sake. Not yours, not anyone elses. Also I don't think these (really too frequent) posts are very worth people's time.
Like how I'm not very worth your time.

Regardless of intention or sentiment, this is how it makes me feel, sometimes.
Insignificant and cumbersome.

`jol

Gordon and Norma

2011-10-25T00:18:00.004+08:00

Gordon Yeager, 94, and his wife Norma, 90, lived together for 72 years. Last week, after a tragic car accident, they died together, one hour apart, holding hands.

The couple got married in 1939, the day Norma graduated from high school. They lived their whole lives in the small town of State Center, Iowa, where they raised four children.

“Staying together for 72 years is good, I’d say that’s exceptional,” daughter Donna Sheets said. “They always did everything together. They weren’t apart. They just weren’t.”

True to their nature, the Yeagers were together last Wednesday at the intersection of Highway 30 and Jessup Avenue outside Marshalltown, where their car struck another car head on. They were brought into the ICU of Marshalltown’s hospital together, holding hands.

Gordon passed away shortly thereafter.

“It was really strange, they were holding hands, and dad stopped breathing but I couldn’t figure out what was going on because the heart monitor was still going,” son Dennis Yeager told KCCI. “But we were like, he isn’t breathing. How does he still have a heart beat? The nurse checked and said that’s because they were holding hands and it’s going through them. Her heart was beating through him and picking it up.” Norma passed away an hour later.

“Neither one of them would’ve wanted to be without each other,” said Sheets. Added Yeager: “They just loved being together.”

_____________________________________

Because I am depressing as hell and always find reasons to be sad. I feel like staying with someone since highschool and being so in love your entire life can only happen in 1939, I'm cynical that such everyday wonders still exist. I don't feel very hopeful about the future of this age we live in- I almost detest being a child of this world- not when there is so much ignorance and discompassion. Also because I've just watched a ton of videos about some people burning some man alive in the streets of India, and just rewatched the 2-year old girl getting run over by a car and then contemplated my general dislike of having to be a part of our sad and nonsensical world. Good people get hurt for no reason. At the end of the day, we'll feel sympathetic, vow to be different, and live tomorrow like we always have. I know I will. And I hate me for that.

'jol

Winglish

2011-10-24T01:03:00.002+08:00

I couldn't help it, it was so amusing. The face-off for the second video was kinda just, mehish, but he speaks singlish with such a legitimate degree of accuracy, better than I do, even. Or rather: "Angmo sibei imba, everything also can talk. Chiobu all sure like." Everyone just assumes that so long as you add "la" behind every word, it's singlish, but you can't really explain singlish, it's like a mixture of mandarin, malay, dialects and made-up words inserted in various places of the sentence. And I'm not really ashamed of singlish, I think it's quite nonsensical but by no way is it defiling because most of us are able to switch to proper english when we have to. It's only just occured to me how hard it could be to understand the "walao"s, "sian"s and "tahan"s if I hadn't been brought up there. It's as amazing to me as two toddlers who have come up with their own language, codes and everything.

And in our defense, singlish does not culminate to Tyler's intepretation of it, he sounded quite ah beng (Think asian gangster with bad english and a the usage of a lot of, usually vulgar, hokkien) and JiaJia (The little boy in the first video) was probably chinese educated, as in you can tell by the way they speak and the words they used. Those that are unable to switch to proper english are probably stronger in their mother tongue, as JiaJia above spoke chinese much more fluently than I do. I suppose in china, my spoken mandarin would be the chinese version of singlish. But in actuality, it's not, I'm just weak in mandarin and strong in english. And sometimes I find it unfair, Singapore wants to be Americanised because it'll seem like we're then rising on the social ladder, otherwise, why the uproar over One caucasian who is able to sound so natural with singlish. We will always be trying to catch up with the west. However, just one generation ago, english wasn't a national language, schools still taught math, chemistry, PE in mandarin or malay or tamil. And this generation became parents, and along with it, brought their strong mandarin and broken english and vice versa, to their children. And then the system changed and now everyone, regardless of background, have to be of a certain standard in english or be retained. I was lucky, I read a lot. My parents were chinese educated, it's strange, they speak to me in mandarin and I reply in english.

I would like to leave with this, the ability of language isn't measured by how many "chim" (complex) words you use or how fluidly your sentences flow. And the ability of language is not how beautiful it sounds or correctly pronounced words are. Singaporeans pronounce flour as /flɑ:/ instead of /flaʊ-ə/ as it is intended. Singaporean teachers pronounce and teach their pupils to pronounce flour as / flɑ:/. And in an oral examination, if this word appears in the reading passage, the pupils who pronounce it correctly are penalised. I know the correct pronounciation of "Reservoir" is "reh-se-voah", but I'm still going to keep calling it "reh-se-vor" when I talk to my friends because I think otherwise is quite pretentious. The americans speak differently from the british who speak differently from the Australians. I think, a caucasian accent will always sound more professional than any asian accent where english is concerned. But at the end of the day, that is all there is, an accent. And I don't see how one accent can be better than another linguistically although I can see how one will always sound better than another- I'd rather listen to a white man talk than a china man. It's not right but it's the way it is. My point is. Language is about communication. The person who is best able to communicate his point, thoughts and ideas to his audience has better language ability, regardless of how he does it. If I am able to connect better with my friends when I speak in singlish, I will. If I am going to get laughed at here, I won't (as much). At the end of the day, I can tell you that blogging has really discombulated my train of thoughts in regards to chemistry, but I'd rather say I got distracted because writing is more fun. Language is not a quantitative subject. We give reverence to passages so complex we can not understand, but complex words don't make a good writer. A good writer draws people in. I would stop reading if I found something simply riddled with complex words and pretentious airs.

But then again all I ever do here is write anything that goes on in my head. I don't understand why you guys still read this crap.

But I'm honoured.

`jol

2011-10-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

Why I love This brain.

`jol

2011-10-22T20:43:00.002+08:00

Graduation was alright, albeit unproductive, Jason and I actually came down for rehearsal and actually stayed for about an hour. The ceremony itself was quite, normal. Awards for all the over-achievers, the same geniuses called out over and over again. Don't know how they manage to be so talented. There were many speeches and my contacts were dry so there I was trying my hardest not to fidget in my seat. There were a few funny moments, I suppose I'm not upset I didn't skip it. Out of pure fluke, I won the Dux Award. It was embarrassing because I least expected it and didn't know what to do. I feel like now everyone assumes I'm hell smart which sucks because I really mugged for prelims, but like afore mentioned, I feel so burnt-out and complacent. Which is why I'm on my laptop now. I fear I'm going to screw my finals and everything will count for nothing. The afterparty was fun, I like these people, it didn't feel awkward in the morning. Bacon and eggs and some pills for the hangover.

It's strange, I recived more "Congratulations, Jolyn!"s from my friend's parents whereas my parents at home have no idea I just graduated. Neither would my father care very much if he did know. I'm unable to tell mom because I still haven't gotten a phone (Monday, I shall). Not that I particularly feel the need to. There is a difference between Australians and Singaporeans. I feel- and this is my sentiment, not a general assumption- that people here are more sincere, you always fear to do too well in Singapore because the better you are, the more reason people find to hate you. This is not always the case, as in TK01, when Wanyee and ShuFeng got 4.0s we all genuinely celebrated with them. But there is still this body of people that make you squirm when anyone acknowledges your effort because you fear they'll just start hating you for working hard or for excelling. Like you notice that no one jeers here, even at the annoying kids or the outcasts- at people they don't even like. People genuinely applaud. It's like they don't bring you down as much as they do at home. They don't look for your flaws. Parents congratulate children that aren't their children with a warm sincerity whereas at home, some parents bid their sons in tournaments and exams like horses in a race. That's why Aunt Grace offered S $5000 if he managed to pull a 250 for PSLE, that's why Angel always got money as reward for doing well, that's why Roy no longer enjoys bowling. For the higher class TaiTai's, it's almost just a game of poker, all the time with pretentious airs.

I would very much have liked to have grown up in highschool in Australia as compared to Singapore, albeit the culture is quite intimidating with girls of barely 12 already putting on makeup and tight dresses, and how sex and relationships are so casual. I don't think I'll ever really get used to that, but the schools here acknowledge every little achievement. You compete for the school and come in last, they still honour you. In GY, we had to be climbing at a national level to even think of having it mentioned in our testimonial. In sports day, you have pre heats then the heats then the actual thing. Everyone is extremely competitive, the whole school watches, and people train actually train for it, months in advance, to thrash their own friends. You don't get a captainship so easily, you go through 4 trials to even get into the team then a further 2 trials to get into the competition team then you train your ass off to get into the finals or you are deemed a deadweight to the team. If you were in the guild or the prefects, you were unpopular. If you were a sports/house/cheer captain, you were popular. If you were in everything, you get both people who like you and people who hate you, as I did. Likewise, you do well in studies, you're a loser, you do well in sports, you're admirable, you do well in both, you get shit. There are so many distinctions, so many labels and so many castes. And the worst thing is, people live in their castes, you don't question, you don't oppose, you don't fight. If you are popular the school is yours, if you're not, you keep your head down and keep out of the way. Maybe it's because Murdoch is a private institution, as quoted, it is the 'Fuzziest, warmest college", maybe it's because GY was a neighbourhood school and people had slash fights. But I think, I wouldn't put my kid in a neighbourhood school in Singapore. There are many things about the system here that I've been ranting about, but one thing they have over us is that people mostly don't want to see your fall, people don't hate that you're doing well, people don't pull you down intentionally. Compared to GY, this is like democracy compared to dictatorship. In singapore, you do well, the government rewards you. EAGLES award, $200. Good-Progrees, $100. Edusave bursary, $150. Merit Award, $150. I remember, you just do well, you get money. But I suppose you just keep pushing and pushing yourself, to be perfect in every little thing, because at the end of the day, all you want is a genuine "You did well, I'm so proud of you." When I got my 'O's cert, the only subject I didn't get a disctinction in was Mandarin, in fact, I dropped the subject. And the only teacher that came to tell me he was proud of me was my mandarin teacher. And a person like him is like 1 out of a thousand in Singapore.

Singapore's got top notch education systems, a youth that pushes themselves to excel. An extremely competitive spirit in school and outside organizations alike, in everything, sport, music, art, you name it, it has been capitalised. Homosexuality, substance-abuse and casual-sex is of no major concern, you keep it under wraps and hope the idea doesn't occur to people. You ban songs, movies or adverts that hint at it. If a majority thinks it's wrong, nothing's going to change. You join what you can't beat. We are literally, a small, successful, rapidly rising, perfect metropolitan.

But we don't have happy people.

`jol

Asian Parents

2011-10-20T19:58:00.006+08:00

You know what's strange?

That we're asian and for most of the people I know, including myself, wanting to go into one of the Major Three Categories: Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, is on our own accord. My parents have never demanded me to do well, nor gotten angry at me if I brought home a bad grade, they have never tried to choose my school for me nor tell me what I should study in university. I am blessed, and I hope people don't assume that all asian parents are like major overlords. Some are, but not all. I decided I couldn't be a conservationist presenter- which was my childhood dream- because it wouldn't be stable, wouldn't allow me to stay in one place and bring up a family, and was far too idealistic if you come from as small a country as Singapore. Then I decided to compromise and try to become a veterinary surgeon. This all occured in my little mind before I was even 10. My parents have never told me not to chase something because it was unstable or unprofitable or simply too low on the business ladder. My parents have never made me stay home to study, they have never grounded me and they have never forced me to work for something I didn't have a heart in. They encouraged me to go out and experience life, to travel with my friends, to do everything I can to live up my teenage years, but to just remember to be smart and safe. My mom neither asked questions nor laughed as I had expected when I told her I wanted to drop out of TP and come to Australia. She simply said "If that is really want you want, if you think you can do it, then we will do it."
My parents are asian.

`jol

2011-10-19T22:23:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is officially the last day of our education in Murdoch College, then we graduate on friday. On friday, I graduate from highschool, again. I don't know, everyone's all psyched yet tearful at having to say goodbye, and I- like so many of the internationals- come to school for an hour or so everyday before deciding that I'm wasting my time and legging it out to go home and do important non-time-wasting things like watching Big Bang Theory or One Tree Hill. It is a little sad, that we are all so, well, indifferent to it, everyone is trying to take as many pictures as they can and file away as many memories, and we are just kinda "meh, let me graduate, let me do my exams, let me get into university." Come to think of it, when we graduated from highschool 2 years back, I don't think we had a graduation ceremony- or perhaps I was skipping school too much to have known of it. But well, I suppose I think I've handled this year of highschool better than I did when I was 16, it has been painful as well, but not for as shallow reasons. I am still afraid of high school girls, but I think I've learnt from it the last time. Stay away from the petty, the bitchy and the jealous. Don't discuss people and try to be kind. This year has definately been a more blessed one, I made some pretty awesome friends, did some cool things I never had done, actually enjoyed my senior ball and fell for a beautiful, brilliant guy. I think realistically, more shit's happened this year, I had never before lost a phone or almost file a law suit against a guardian before this, but hey, I think it's really taught me a lot about endurance and independence. I don't think I'm the same person. I do hope, it was a change for the better, what old-jolyn had over me now is that I used to have a lot of faith, a lot of hope and a lot of trust for people. I don't do that now. Which is really sad.

Anyhow, I did alright for the prelims- just managed to graze As for everything. By fluke they all are, to God be the glory. But I feel so burnt out (Complacent?) about studying for the finals which are like a week and a half away. It could be the death of me. I want to talk about how I don't think I'll do well, but I don't want to make anyone else angry about my pessimism regarding my own grades. Went down to the police station today, the only thing they could do was bar the phone with my IMEI number. I feel sad. I feel really really sad. When you bar the phone, it just becomes useless, no one is able to access, sell, use or reboot it. It is like shutting down the whole thing, unless I find it again and then unbar it. I feel. I don't know, I suppose now the theif doesn't gain from my loss, but what is the point? It's not like he would go "Oh well, I can't use it now, might as well turn it in." Most likely, it would be sold to some shop as use for spare parts. I feel sad because it is a total and utter waste of an $800 piece of technology. MY $800 piece of technology. It makes me feel like I've just lost my phone for no reason at all. It's just lying someone unused and wasted simply because someone decided to take it away from me. I am really sad. "It is just a phone" But it is not to me. It makes my life easier, not having to turn on my laptop- and get distracted with blogging and facebook and stuff just so I can have music to drown out the racket my housemates are making so I can attempt to study. It is counterproductive. Losing my phone again impacts me both psychologically and emotionally, I am unable to talk to neither my family nor friends. I am unable to text my boyfriend or discuss with my friends the possibility of skipping school. I am unable to access the internet to look up a question without having first to turn on my laptop. It is "just a phone" but it affects my life, a lot. And I am sad. But toodles for now. I finally stocked up on yoghurt, oreos and marshmallows. May the long nights begin. They never really ended; I haven't been sleeping, I look like shit. Or well, I certainly feel like it.

`jol

2011-10-18T23:26:00.001+08:00

The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power.
Noam Chomsky

I am that people, although I fear to be. Marcus.A was visiting Perth a few days back and he and I were talking about it, he was constantly telling me not to bend to The System. Don't succumb to The System. Be your own person. But I think, isn't the resistance a system of their own. So bent on not being a part of the system that they have just formed the anti-system, so bent on seeing itself as the courageous geurilla, noble men fighting for the Better cause. But what is the Better cause? Both sides think they're right, it's like the wall street demonstration. The 1% isn't really 1%. They like to think of it like that, because what is life without a cause. Haven't we all felt the power of living for something else, fighting shoulder to shoulder, the birth of brotherhood and comradship. I suppose that was why I was so drawn to fighting other boys with my brother. I liked feeling that comradship. But at the end of the day, both sides are fighting for a cause each thinks is right. There is no system.

I do what I want to do, what I think is morally right, and what I think should be done, regardless of which side it is. If there is a system, I neither want to be a part of it nor isolated from it. I refuse to believe I must only subscribe to one "System". Whatever is right to me will be right to me.

The muslims are burning Christians alive in Nigeria. The Christians are condemning the homosexual in new york and the atheists are laughing at everybody. Me, I believe in God, but I think people should just love one another. Regardless of what systems they subscribe to. If they think burning people is wrong, they shouldn't do it. If they think hatred is sin, they shouldn't be waving the signs around. If they think hope is foolish, they should see how foolish the hopeless are.

I don't understand this world and it's systems. I don't want to understand it.

`jol

Quicksand

2011-10-18T18:51:00.001+08:00

I think I am an annoying person when it comes to academics. I fret too much, I disbelieve in myself too much and ultimately, I am too much of a pessimist. After every test I go "It was terrible, I am going to fail/ asian- fail." And it gets annoying, how I talk about how I screwed up all my answers, and then get an A. I genuinely do get it. It is really, really, annoying

What I don't get is Why.

I thought about it, and to be honest, I think I do get a little annoyed too when someone frets and then gets like a 90 and I'm stuck on a 70, but I think ultimately it stems from selfish reasons. Like it annoys me that I'm unable to be as smart, or that I could have done better, and perhaps I feel a little fearful and I wonder if I'm doing something wrong or lagging behind. But I do not think I have ever been annoyed or angry because someone else did well, I get annoyed at myself for not doing well, but not at the person- I suppose even if you're not annoyed at someone, you'll still come off a little cold. But ultimately, if it were my friend, I'd be glad. For instance, Gail got 86.5 for english and I only pulled a 79- and I don't like my result, because I think I can do better. But she is someone I care about and it makes me glad that she did well. It would be horrible if one of us got into vet without the other- it would be beside the whole point of my coming here. I dislike that I didn't give my best but I am really glad my friend did.

I would like to clear a few things up in saying that I have never said I was going to fail knowing full well that I was going to get an A. I have never done it deliberately to mock my peers nor do I do it simply because I want to seem smart when I do well. If I go on about how I think I'll do badly, then I genuinely think I did do badly. I am a pessimistic person by nature. As the recent events testify, bad things happen to me a lot. It makes me fearful, and like I always say, being pessimistic serves as a certain protection. If you never expect the best, you won't be upset when you don't get the best. And on the off chance good things happen to me, I'm pleasantly surprised and all the more thankful. It is annoying that I take it up a notch and be full-blown pessimistic about every little thing- even the exams, but the more something means to me; the more afraid that I am to lose it, the more I'll try to prepare myself for the worst. If I expect to fail, and I do fail, I wouldn't feel as bad. It is an annoying trait, but it is what I am. And it hurts me that my friend would be angry because I haven't done as badly as I predicted I would. It really does. I don't understand. It's like highschool all over again- oh but silly me, this IS highschool, who am I to expect a difference.

It is annoying, that I get pessimistic about my papers when I didn't have to. I don't think this should annoy people, because it affects no one but myself, really. It doesn't change the grades of anyone else, and I don't think I enjoy it very much; Fretting and losing sleep over how badly I think I did; feeling worthless and stupid. If'd be a blessing if I could be so blindly optimistic. To not be so much of a realist, to invest in hope once in a while, to not look at the world with such a cynical eye. But what I've been through- it's taught me otherwise, and I put myself through crap on a daily basis. I am neither aiming to be the top WAUPP student or to be valedictorian or something like that. I want to lead my quiet existance and hope that my best is enough to make me a vet. That is all I want, I don't see how my going about beating myself up over my studies affect anybody directly. Wouldn't it be terrible if after a really hard paper I came strutting out and said "That paper was SHIT EASY. I am so able to get an A. Piece of cake." I would never have that confidence or cockiness, but I imagine my sombre pessimism about myself is not more infuriating than that. I want to make things better, but I don't know how to. I can not apologize for doing better than I predicted, it would sound so anal, so Guai Lan. I'm trying to be mature about this but I hate that I can't do anything to improve the situation, but I don't know what else I can do. It almost makes me regret being me. Which is wrong, I shouldn't have to want to change myself.

That aside. I think I am breaking. Like in highschool- my previous highschool, where you break down in tears every hour and don't know what you're sad about. It makes you feel drained and tired. And dry and empty, and then at night you can't sleep, and the cycle continues.

The phone. It isn't just about money. It isn't just about the fact that I've already spent over a $1000 on 2 iPhone4s in the past year. It's so difficult to get a line and a phone here. I have to provide them with my bank statement and visa and proof of residence and passport and the list continues. I've been running around today chasing after different admin people for my records, was down at the bank for my statement, where I had to call some stranger who set some password than I had to go on some computer to ask another lady to do something that required me to do something else to get a piece of paper. It is absolutely. Tiring. I hate paperwork, and I want my mom. I want to not think about anything else besides my study but my studies are the last thing on my mind. I haven't properly studied since last week. It's hard, and not being able to talk to all my close friends back home, it makes me feel strangely isolated and alone, I fear they'll forget me if I'm not there to continue our conversation. I feel like I have been robbed of a very vital source of joy in my now meagre existance, and I want to kick the thief in the balls. I fantasize about stabbing him in the gut for all the shit that I'm feeling right now. I miss my bestfriends and they can't make me feel better. Not only are they an ocean away, I'm not even able to take refuge in them through text. I want my mother and I can't have her. And it sucks and I don't know if I can do this. I'm losing it and I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can do this. It's like July all over again, just this time I'm not at home. I am so far away, I am alone, and I feel so helpless. I feel pathetic. I can't do this. I can't.

`jol

2011-10-18T06:00:00.000+08:00

Half a year and I still get butterflies.
You're all I've wanted and more.
Everything yet not enough.
Like the sunrise at midnight or being still in the ocean.

When I'm flying to and fro between home and here, all I see is sky and when I swim in the sea, all I see are the currents. And this immensity sometimes overwhelms me. But you.
You keep me grounded.

With all I am and more.

`jol

2011-10-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

Enjoy.

`jol

2011-10-17T21:28:00.003+08:00

So, my phone got stolen, again. This is the second iPhone in what less than 3 months. And I hate myself for it. Bob's been trying to tell me that it's not my fault. But it is. I was careless, I took things forgranted. I was stupid. You'd have thought that when my first iPhone got stolen I'd have learnt my lesson and be more careful with leaving my stuff unattended. But no. I suppose you so badly want to believe that these bad things don't happen, or that bad people that thieve from other people simply do not exist. Perhaps I just wanted to show myself that bad things don't happen to me at every single opportunity when I've got my head turned. Perhaps I wanted to show myself; like see, you left it and it's still there, you are not a jinx. Perhaps that was why I took my wallet out and left it in the car but brought my phone even though I didn't think I'd be using it. Perhaps. But truth be it, I knew first hand that these things happen and I knew, and have suffered the consequences. From the first stolen phone to the arm to the missed flight to the traffic ticket and everything, I'll have spent a little more than $2500 Which is just shit because I'm currently not working. I wanted to believe that there aren't that many people like that around but I knew better. And it is my fault, not the thief's. We live in a society that teaches us to guard our belonging, to not get raped, to not walk in dark allies lest we get mugged. Not in a society that teaches us Don't steal, Don't rape, Don't rob. You see signs that go "Please remember to remove personal belonging from car" in car parks with little pictures of phones laptops and wallets in little red circles. I want to live in a society where the signs are "Don't do unto others what you don't want to be done to yourself." But that is so far-fetched huh. Because peope would disregard these signs. If everyone had consciences then there wouldn't even be a need for these little reminders. But I'm digressing. I cried for like an hour and let it sink in that this was really happening to me, again. And I am sad. And I am angry, at myself. Mom's dissapointed, but we still laughed over it eventually. This is why I have the best mom in the world. "Money is money is money." I don't have that money, and money does matter, we are not rich. But at the end of the day, money is money is money. I suppose I will work, give up a few things and eventually earn it back. I still have a good life. I can not say I am the unluckiest person in the world. Maybe careless and stupid but I don't think I deserve to be angry at anyone other than myself. Unlucky is having your dad run over by a car or your brother in a war or your dog dying of arthritis. I have a wonderful family, friends and boyfriend. I am blessed. I am upset. I hope I will finally learn from this once and for all. In the mean time I'm sorry I won't be able to reply you guys- it kills me actually, I get so much joy from reading all your texts. Rachel, I've been meaning to reply to your spam, I'd like to say I'm incredibly touched by it and I love you. Will try to get a new phone- possibly an iPhone 3 if anyone has one to sell, otherwise maybe yet another iPhone 4 or android- as soon as possible. If there is anythign urgent, facebook me or something, though I don't go on facebook much so expect a slower reply. Cheers.

I do not like being a citizen of this world.

`jol

2011-10-16T12:58:00.002+08:00

Yes my idea of relaxing is sitting under the sun reading a Penguin novel instead of having on a cake of make up and romping through town.
Yes I'd rather lie in bed with my boyfriend the entire morning than put effort in trying to impress friends I barely know.
Yes I spent the last four days in baggy old t-shirts and my nerdy black specs instead of 'Flauntin' ma style'.
And finally yes I do think I've taken a little slack of studying as hard since the end of prelims. The point isn't that I've to be doing things you or the general public deems worthy of my time. I feel like I've taken a break enough because I've been doing what makes me happy, even if not Everything that makes me happy ( I should be with them people snorkeling/DWSing today or at Shu's beach thingy) because I know I will have time for that after it's all over. Furthermore, my guilt ridden mind will prevent me from properly enjoying the day. And the suns going to continue being bright as it approaches summer and I will be able to spend every day of my additional 2 weeks here at the beach, alone or otherwise.

And if that makes me a loser to you then you have failed to grasp that different people have different ways of dealing with things, of enjoying themselves and of prioritizing. It makes me think that you may be smart but you're not very intelligent, at least not under this light, in my eyes. No one likes a condescending smile. It's a smirk deemed worthless.

'jol

On an unrelated note: "Respect is gained but honour is given."
And look what cute little thing tried to bite me just now. :D I also found the strongest strand of spider web that I've ever seen. It excites me.

I am

2011-10-13T22:18:00.001+08:00

tavog,r. Tell me I am not, for it is making me lose my mind. It all makes sense now. But of course not, no one can.

'jol

Asking questions

2011-10-12T01:10:00.003+08:00

Seek not to know all the right answers all the time.
To seek wisdom enough to keep asking the right questions.

You know, ultimately we can ask all these questions about Life, God and People. And we'll never get an answer. There is no truth. How is it that a compassionate God such as ours could ask for Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. True enough it was a test of faith, true enough Abraham believed that God would provide, and true enough God did provide. But I can't wrap my head around the injustice Isaac could have been put through; the terror of his father preparing to kill him; the confusion and the sense of betrayal. Because as said, Abraham told no one of his intentions that day when he and the boy set off. I am but a fool and there are all these questions. How is it that a heart can habour hate and love so passionately side by side- surely the purest form of love have no capacity for hate and likewise. Is the choice of free will really worth damnation.

And it's not bad to question, just sometimes we start asking all the wrong questions. Questions that aren't very worth asking because simply, every answer to it is an answer of perspective. Like the cup of water and poison analogy, a single truth exists but not a single soul is able to tell which it is untill perhaps death. The existance of a truth is therefore deemed a nonentity. It is as worthless as it's inability to be established. I don't think I follow my beliefs blindly, somewhere in life, years ago, I felt something, so strong, so powerful that changed everything in me. And regardless of how dry or cynical I have become, I don't think it's enough to shift my stand that something more than this must exist. Afterall, I'd rather have spent my whole life believing in faith and redemption. Even if- and I strongly doubt- a God doesn't exist, then I don't think it is highly terrible that I had led a life based on ideas that adultery, lying and hatred are bad. A life that was lived for something above myself. Furthermore, if I were wrong, there would be no soul of mine left to contemplate my error. I'd rather that than dying and finding out I should have believed. But it's a selfish notion, really, to fear the idea of an abysmal pit of flames so much that it has become a strong stand on arguments as to why I could never really kill myself. What happened to because I am loved and I am worthy? Don't get me wrong, I believe in a God and I believe all else, but at the same time, I think my cynicalism will be the death of me, it has increasingly become my biggest flaw. It worries me, that I have to weigh and reason with things before committing it to my heart. That surely is not faith. I am a hypocrite.

Certain questions have no answers. I'd like to believe that I will eventually find the answers to them when I die. For now I want to be granted the wisdom to ask all the right questions instead of consistently seeking answers that do not exist.

`jol

Dian

2011-10-10T00:36:00.004+08:00

Girly, we had so much fun together with the young ones.
I believe in you, you can do it- your all and your best.
Come whatever.

I'll be here. Promise.

`jol

I like nerds

2011-10-09T18:36:00.005+08:00

What happened in Jolynville today.

Joshua woke up late and and kept me waiting but I think I'm going to miss him when he goes back for army. It's strange, how I spend every saturday morning with him and then he's going to leave and I'll probably never see him again, because he won't have an Australian visa anymore, and because neither of us will make an effort to connect in Singapore. It's sad. I suppose that's why I've never really bothered with making an effort to get close to anyone, people always leave and not giving yourself to them will mean they can't take any part of you away. I know it's a sad thing to do- some might even say pathetic. But if you've already lost huge amounts of you, you'll very much want to save whatever's left. Once bitten twice shy thrice never try.

Spent half an hour or so sitting on a chair in the middle of the woods doing nothing but sitting on a chair in the middle of the woods. I quite like Spring I think, it's sunny yet has rain, and is cool at night. Shame I've to spend all my time mugging, I should be at the beach getting tanned again.
I mugged econs for 4 hours and hated every minute of it.
If I haven't already cried to you about it, I left about 20 marks in my chemistry paper blank because it was hard, I was stupid and I didn't have time. Also I am stupid.
I had a headache so I came home.
Jason- best housemate in the world, came into my room to tell me

"You look like a nerd today."

And I was.

Anyway. I like nerds, the nice ones. The stereotypical nerd is intelligent, humorous and non-pretentious. Hardworking, disciplined yet quirky in their own ways. Do not talk for lack of useful things to say. That discuss ideas instead of events, and discuss events instead of people. That has seen enough cruelty in high schoolers to want to keep to themselves, yet have seen the majestic things of bird watching or astronomy instead of getting pissed and having sex with strangers. That seek knowledge for the fun of it, and are strong enough to not bend to the pressures that is fallatious pride and a thwarted origniality. I had the most genuine times in high school with the less popular than the popular group. It's almost made me believe that popular people are just mean, superficial and jaded. I suppose I had never fit in, with my lack of make-up knowledge and my inability to put instataneous fun in front of the my long-run educational future. I wish I could go back and tell 16-year-old-me that, it would have saved me a lot of energy trying to be what my friends wanted me to be. I was never pretty. But it's not like that in Australia- or well, Murdoch. I keep to myself, but the people are kind, I'm blessed that this school isn't like GY. Or perhaps it's just cause I was an NSK and this is a private institution, afterall, the SJI boys or MGS girls aren't complainig. I'd choose an afternoon spent reading with my bestfriend in a comfortable coffee-place, or simply watching an immense body of water than getting drunk with people I want to like me. I'm eighteen, I'd rather hike a mountain than go clubbing. I'd rather order a caramel shake than a vodka. I live in a country with neither parental nor guardian attention, I'd rather ace my exams than party and smoke weed. My mom wants to buy me property next year, I'd like to believe it's because she trusts me enough to make smart decisions as compared to her simply liking to throw them around. I'd choose wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts over a tight little bandage dress that makes me feel like an elephant in a toothpaste roll. I don't like my body or have the confidence enough to dress up. Even with abs, I never felt the need to. Don't get me wrong, I do do stupid things simply because I thought it'd be fun, and there is no distinction as to which preference to do whatever is better. I'm just saying at the end of the day, the bulk of things I like to do aren't really cool- at least not to the eyes of the general public. I don't know if I am a nerd, Bob says I want to associate myself as one, and perhaps that is so because I have a better mental picture or them than the queen-bees. But it doesn't really matter because I don't really care for labels anyway, I am whoever people want to see me as. I like nerds. I don't feel the need to call myself a nerd, but I wouldn't mind very much if I was. I like nerds.

Also they can be quite kick-ass.

Oh, today I saw on facebook "NO, THEIR ALL FUCKING ASAINS AND CAN'T DO SHIT."
I laughed and died a little inside at the irony.
Oh sorry, I meant I laughed an dyed a litle inside at the ironie.

`jol

2011-10-06T19:47:00.001+08:00

iDidn'tknow :(
iSad.

Thought this deserved to be heard:
"His brilliance is only appreciated because it contributed to us. Many brilliant minds die unnoticed, that's worth being sad about." -Alvern.

What's sad too is that many brilliant minds never got the chance, or were too nonchalant, to contribute.

“I feel like somebody just punched me in the stomach and knocked all my wind out. I’m only 30 years old and I want to have a chance to continue creating things. I know I’ve got at least one more great computer in me. And Apple is not going to give me a chance to do that.. I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.. Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.. Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules, You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do. " Steve Jobs

There are many reasons to be sad, today's reason is the loss of a brilliant mind- regardless of whether there are others going by unnoticed or whether we are supposed to 'not be sad that it ended but be happy that it happened.' or all the other clichés like that. Be thankful, be glad, but be sad to. Sadness has te same worth as happiness.

'jol

How badly do you want this.

2011-10-05T22:23:00.004+08:00

I think I've just had my first stress breakdown here. I'm even studying in my dreams and wake up feeling more tired but not smarter. I wish I could actually mug properly in my dreams. I don't know how to explain it, it's like you can't make yourself go to sleep no matter how tired you are because you feel like you don't have enough time as it is. You feel nauseous and dizzy during the day but are unable to fall asleep at the night. You can't take pills because it'll affect your concentration and you can't concentrate because you don't rest. And it sucks because everyone that usually gets you out of it are at home. You don't want to distract the 'A'/'O' levelers from their own papers; you don't want to let them know you're going insane because then you're not really helping them with THEIR stress. You want to maintain that link of normality for them but you're pulling all your hair out yourself. You don't want to spoil the holidays for your poly mates, you don't want to talk to family because you don't want them to worry and you can't really talk to your Aussie friends because they don't get it, Singapore is a crazy little country. Which I suppose is why I've been ranting here so much- I know it gets really annoying, every post is just me freaking out about the exams. Whiny, almost. But I assure you, this is far from whiny- from invconvenience. This is going through the same page over and over again and being unable to absorb and so much self hatred that you cry. And the worst thing is when people tell me how hardworking or smart they think I am, because I am not. I am far from, and right now, I am not at all making any progress and I can not live up to it. I apologize once more, that I keep panicking. If I don't pour it out somewhere I'm afriad I'll just lose it completely.

This was from Clement.

Untill you want this as bad as you wanted to get into the natonal team.
Untill you want this as bad as you wanted your father's affection.
Untill you want this as bad as you wanted to get out of GY.

Untill you want this so bad that it breaks you & absolutely tears you apart.

"The old man said 'Come on out a little further' and he did. The old man said 'Come a little further' and he did, and the old man said 'You said you want to be successful' he said 'I do', he said 'Walk a little futher', he came, dropped his head in, held him down, hold him down, and my man was scracthing, he hold him down, he had him held down, just before my man was about to pass out, he raised him out. He said 'I got a question for you.' He told the guy that 'When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful.

How badly do you want this, Jol?

`jol

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

2011-10-05T14:38:00.004+08:00

Wasted half-hours away instead of mugging
doing rough sketches.

It's been almost a year.
I haven't realized how much I've truly been missing it.
And it won't even be there anymore when I get home.

How I used to spend hours everyday.
I'm so fair know- the fairest I've ever been.
I hate it.

Today's bio paper almost reduced me to tears. I had to shove my knucles into my mouth to stop from myself from panicking- I swear at that point of time I was about ready to vomit rainbows. Memorized the textbook inside and out, had all the answers to every question. And unfortunately for me, terrible, terrible time management. 10 minutes to do a 30 mark question, 1 paragraph- 4 meagre lines to suffice as answer for a 12mark question, when I had the capacity to write pages of regurgitated model answers, word for word, print for print. So long fairwell, potential A, it ended before it started.

I am angry at myself, I really do not want to throw myself into mugging for the chem on friday with the same intensity, and it's not even half over, there's still english and then econs to come- God I hate econs. Hate. And all this is just the mocks! And when the mocks end it's just a short-lived 2 weeks untill the WAUPP, 2 weeks to finish 4 books of study guides (Their equivalence to TYS.) And we even have to attend school in this period of time. That leaves 3 books per day, and I don't even get to skip school because they'll be going through papers. I am freaking out so much and I can not stop the panic that overwhelms me every minute of everyday. Last night I dreamt that I skipped school, went into the library (This was in Singapore), sat down, opened my books and started to mug. That was it. For the entire duration of the dream. Just sitting there, mugging. As if I can't escape from it even in real life. And I feel so guilty for even thinking that I really shouldn't go out with my friends/boyfriend at all and throw myself into this, as if it were wrong, but then I can see no way out because 24 hours isn't enough for me as it is. And the only consolence (Yes I realize there is no such word) I can find is in talking to fellow 'A' level muggers back home who feel as panicky as I do. If after all this I don't get into Vet, I will kill myself. I need chocolate.

And a hug.

`jol

2011-10-03T22:05:00.002+08:00

Found another slug in my room. Jace and I went through every inch of the window looking for any crack or tear in the mesh. Disturbingly there was none. Shortly after, I found a biggish spider on the wall next to me. I love spiders- I played with it for a bit before throwing it out, but this is my bedroom. Note to self, start house-hunting first thing end of exams- I have decided I think I very much want to live alone next year. Mugged bio for a whopping 7 hours earlier today and finally finished up with the textbook, am supposed to go through all the past tests now but am too burnt out and undisciplined and altogether not-good-enough to make myself do so. Am instead drawing.

Self-hatred has upgraded to level 4. Toodles.

'jol

The Sorrow Tree

2011-10-01T17:35:00.001+08:00

The Sorrow Tree

Will you will you come with me
To swing to swing from the sorrow tree
Hear you me here take my hand
Like flies we will fly from this land

For in this the flies have won the crown
With unlidded eyes truth they have found
A Kaleidoscope of perspectives
In life no individual a protagonist

Our life is not our own
Not until death by part is sown
Drop the gravitas for this is humour
Drop indeed for all life’s rancour

For every battle fought and toiled
Yet another mind twisted and soiled
For we start a radiance of innocence
And end with practiced insouciance

For I have seen ingenious minds of my time
Drown their brilliance in brine and wine.
Ideas so sharp in alacrity
Shot down so fast deemed a nonentity

For I have heard the cries a susurration
A whispered war so loud in volition
A life we were promised when we drew the first breath
A life our own we will protest

For I have smelt in a deer my dear
The interim between glory and fear
Mutually dependent on another each relies
Standing alone could never qualify

Here at the tree there is no compunction
At times giving up takes the most gumption
Our life to lead our choices to make
This final choice to abort to abate

Meet me at the tree with a necklace of flowers
We will trade it brave and chivalrous
And don instead don a collar of rope
Stringed together from broken hope

And fly away fly we shall
As ghosts risen from the broken hull
The vessel in which floated humanity
Ungrateful and flawed an impunity

The cure is the cause a cure in death
Freedom drawn from the final breath

Will you, will you come with me?
To swing, to swing from the Sorrow Tree.

`jol

28.9

1 month 25 days

2011-09-30T13:53:00.005+08:00

I just received a text informing me that in 1 month and 25 days I get to go home. Home. To my beautiful island. The thing about my city is that it looks like it does in the picture. Photoshop or edits, it does actually look this way. The city that never sleeps. That is always lit up, that is always moving. It would be good to be able to spend time with my friends without having a cast as a limiting agent. Hell, it'd be good to have more friends than I can count on two hands again. But then I think I was so much more excited about going home the first time round as compared to now. Now that I know better. Now that I've experienced first hand how unfamiliar things have gotten. Maybe it was because I was looking forward to it so much July and then so many misfortunes came my way and subconsciously I linked the trauma with the act of returning home. Or maybe it's the thought that if it's only such a short time till I get to go home, what more till the exams arrive and catch me unprepared. Or maybe it's the thought of not being able to see Bob for so long. Maybe all of the above and more are contributing factors but one reality remains.

I don't know where home is; I don't feel like I have a home.

And it kills me.

'jol

Sidenote: I am so ill that all I want to do is to sleep, stone and read. Which would be a good thing except I want to read anything and everything other than my textbooks. I barely went through 3 chapters this afternoon. A cocktail of pills and plain cereal soaked in milk for breakfast, lunch and dinner because it's the only thing I can swallow. And I'm having to force myself to eat because really you feel so naseous at the thought of doing anything besides keeping still in one corner. I had to literally will myself to go for the rally earlier tonight, so bundled up in scarves and my thickest jacket that my friends laughed at me. Screw. I want to lie on my bed and die. On the brighter note, we got back tests from a few weeks earlier and I got my first 90s in all my subjects- yes, even econs. I feel like I deserve a day of non-studying. Too bad I'm good with bite-sized tests but terrible at full examinations. Oh Ye of little faith. Goodnight world, in Jesus' name I shall be completely healed tomorrow morning.

Oceanship

2011-09-28T23:28:00.002+08:00

How far would you go to be accepted?
`jol

2011-09-26T12:44:00.001+08:00

I just found a slug in my room. A slug. I like bugs. I had them as pets. I bred butterflies. I made profit from selling pet worms in school when I was 8. I was considering doing Entomology in UWA. But this is a bedroom, whereby the window has a net screen over it. I really need to know how a slug could have gotten in. First the caterpillar in the living room, then the crickets in the most random places and now slugs. I feel so paranoid, like I jump at every spot I see now. It was just one but you can't help but feel like they're all over the place. What if there are slugs on my bed. Now I don't feel like moving at all.

I put my thumbdrive into the washing machine by accident and only realized after every housemate has finished his/her laundry. It still works, thank God.

Jason blew the fuse in the iron so now I have crumply clothes and I hate it.

Today was a good day because I got to see Bob first thing in the morning.

Math prelims are tomorrow, I am going to asian-fail it and I'm afraid.

I don't intend on going to school or staying in school much this last week of the term.

I have been bingeing whilst studying and have just realized how absolutely ridiculous it is that when I calculated my BMI I felt a little bit worried that it wasn't in the underweight range anymore, although close enough to it. I think hanging out with Glenda and her calorie-counting is getting to me (The normal range is considered fat, the underweight range is beautiful). Reminder to self, it is healthy to be healthy, you no longer have to skip meals because of school and training, this is still okay, be kind to your body. Intelligence is sexy but confidence is charisma. Confidence and cockiness are not mutually dependent. Confidence draws people. It is also an aspect in which I lack.

Sometimes the best preparation for a paper is sleep. Goodnight

`jol

2011-09-25T21:42:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I just browse the web and I see all you guys so infinately happy, and regardless of where I am or how my day was, I feel happy too, even if I'm missing from the picture.

I have never hated the fact that my friends are happy even if it makes me feel so far away. I have never wished you were miserable so that you would miss me and regardless of whether you've moved on without me, I have never been unhappy to see you happy. And I suppose I have that over you. I know you meant well and I thank you for being honest but I don't want to believe that when I am so far away and so alone, you would still yearn for me to feel unhappy and to regret my choices so that I would want to come back to you. Don't you see, even if I want to go back, I can't, and that is the basis of everything and when I lost my world, you could only think of yourself. I don't think the the foundations of love is built on something like that. Yes, I read it before you deleted it.

`jol

Old Pictures

2011-09-25T00:19:00.003+08:00

Mom has been sending me all these old photos and they amuse me. I can more or less remember where all these were taken. I think I had a very blessed well-travelled childhood. Apparently I have been to Hawaii. It sucks how my parents brought us to all the cool, appealing countries when we were too young to appreciate it and then only insist on all the asiany countries like China, Taiwan Korea and the likes when we've grown older and actually want to see non-asian countries. I think I was happier as a kid most times than as a teenager. But maybe that's just because you're able to let go of things more easily then and perhaps this is selected memory whereby my brain has chosen to only retain specific memories.

Also I think my brother was the cuter kid of us. He was always favoured by the relatives. I am convinced it is because he has adorable dimples and I don't. And the fact that I was so boyish. Hah. Okay.

`jol

2011-09-24T18:46:00.005+08:00

This is a very superficial rant. Don't waste your time.

I think I've caught a flu bug and I feel like shit. I intended to start making my math notes at 12. And then ended up doing chores till about 3ish 4. So when I finally sat down to try to start proper, I realized my book was in school, so I trudged all the way to school, climbed over the gates and checked my locker to realize it wasn't there. When I got back I found it on my table under some papers. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS >:( I don't know why I don't have the common sense to thoroughly check my room or at least look elsewhere besides the bookshelf when I've made the exact same careless mistake like 5 times. And I normally wouldn't be this annoyed except Bob stayed the night so we slept late so I feel like shit today and am really irascible and anti-social-ish. Akina and Theresa have their friends over tonight, and they're blasting music and making a lot of noise in the living room doing bawdy renditions of cantonese songs. Which sucks because I don't even like the originals, much less the covers. I feel so grrrrr because like mentioned above, I want to be a recluse today. But I still have to take down the laundry and iron and make dinner, but I don't want to see people and therefore don't want to leave the sactuary of my room. Furthermore, Jace is staying at Sarah's today so I cannot indulge in the comfort of ranting to him about my first world problems so he can not-so-subtly ask them to lower the volume. MEH. This is the epitome of sianness. Oh, human-interaction, bane of my existence.

I have been thinking about where I'm going to live next year. I really don't mind living here as I have by-far been relatively happy. But I suppose when Jace moves in with Sarah next year, living here will lose it's appeal by half. And Bok isn't really intent on cleanliness so the floors are quite gritty and my housemates don't really do any housework so all the common areas are really grimy and disgusting. And I think I have the lowest tolerance for filth amongst the rest and so always crack first and do the cleaning for all the common areas. And I wouldn't mind but do you know just how disgusting a shared bathroom is. Like you have all these TYPES of hair all over the place, and if hair isn't from your head then you know where else it's probably from and I absolutly abhor cleaning it up. But then if no one does it then everytime you step into the bathroom it's like stepping into a fluffy carpet of hair-from-various-areas, dust and filth. And it's usually damp too. Sorry for the explicit details but I need to share my pain. This makes me reallllyyyy want to live alone next year so I don't have to clean up after other people. That and my general tendency to be alone. I can not stand people coming into my room and reading my stuff of the walls without my inviting them in. No more waiting an hour for someone to finsih showering or using the washing machine or realizing there is no more hot-water. Also I will finally be able to play the guitar without first making sure the house is empty as well as be able to just wear an oversized T-shirt to sleep. You don't have to be presentable all the time.

Point's against living alone: I can not cook meals, if I could I would be too lazy to bother every day and will either eat out everyday or more likely skip meals and adopt biscuits and pre-made food as my staple diet. It could also get lonely. I hate moving. Having to pack up all the stuff and then unpack it. it might also be hard because I don't have a car/can't drive. But I suppose it will be of no difference once Jace moves out because I'm not close to the other 2. Also we will only buy property if I get into year 2 of vet science.

As you can see the pros more or less outweigh the cons in number however it is easier to survive with inconvenience than to learn to cook and having to move. I suppose it depends on where I go to school. If I go to UWA I will most definately move, given the distance, (Maybe try a dorm?) But if I get into murdoch then it would be convenient because I can walk to school and I will never stay at the murdcoch hostel.

Sigh.
Okay rant over, I feel fairly fulfilled. Oh, and facebook's layout has changed and I don't know how to Unfriend people. I can't find the button and it annoys me. I think I shall go to facebook lesser than I already do. I need to go out and face strangers now because it is the polite thing to do. (No not actually, I just really need to pee.) Meh.

`jol

University Applications

2011-09-23T02:26:00.000+08:00

1. Bachelor of Science/ Veterinary Medicine and Surgery, Murdoch University
2. Bachelor of Science: Major Zoology, University Of Western Australia
3. Bachelor of Science: Major Conservation Biology, University Of Western Australia
4. Bachelor of Arts: Major Psychology, University Of Western Australia
5. Bachelor of Science: Conservation and Wildlife Biology, Murdoch University
6. Bachelor of Arts: Journalism, Curtin University

Looking at this, I feel really geeky because it's pretty much Science all the way whereas most of my friends aspire to go to MassCom, Business or Commerce. But I absolutely despise econs. I'm doing okay in it, not well, but okay, but I can not stand studying it. I take so long to go through a chapter because most of the time I zone out after 3 sentences due to lack of interest. I wish I hadn't been so afraid to make my own choices and had just gone along with physics at the start of the year. My least favourite of the 3 major sciences, but at least I've done it before.

I think I'm being so slack now even though my math paper is 3 days away (And I haven't started revision) because I can not imagine having to spend another 6 years in Murdoch. I desperately want to go to UWA because I am in love with the campus and the general feel of it and Bob will most likely get into UWA. I don't really like Murdoch Univeristy. Not the way I loved TP, and I am certainly not excited at the prospects of it being practically my home for the next few years. But I also so desperately want to be a vet. So subconsciously I think I'm not really putting my all into it because I'm secretly harbouring the "Well, if I don't get into Vet at least I'll get to study in UWA". Vet is 95.4 and the minimum requirement for UWA is 80. I think I am too complacent, to essentially be thinking that I get into the latter should I fail the first. Wake up, Jol. You're not that smart.

Well anyway. Today has been such an unproductive night and it makes me hate myself. I think I must really stop blogging/trolling facebook/Tumblrs. The fact that I've just downloaded season 7 of One Tree Hill doesn't help either. Yes. Yes, I think I do indeed hate myself. Climbing pizza party tomorrow I hope they'll have mud cake.

`jol

We keep running after people who least care about us. Why don't we just stop, turn around, and see the ones running behind us?

Narwhals

2011-09-22T20:54:00.003+08:00

I fell asleep in the afternoon and woke up to all these texts about scandalous activities and juicy gossip; who's cheating on who and who was caught making out with who and all I can think of are Narwhals.

Did you know that they only have two teeth and have to therefore swallow their prey whole, and that it's "Unicorn's Horn", correctly refered to as a helical tusk, is actually one of it's teeth, usually the left one, that just grows out to portrude from it's upper left jaw. So, far from protruding from the frontal region of the skull, it is a lot lower down, right smack in the middle of the face. It looks quite disproportionate really. Male narwhals weigh up to 1,600 kilograms whereas females weigh around 1,000 kilograms, which surprises me because I always thought they were smallish, like dolphins- who actually aren't that smallish, come to think of it. Narwhals are actually classified under the whale family (Note the less prominent snout or dorsal fin.) And Killer Whales (Orcas), are classified in the dolphin family. All scientists are loony. It was thought by the vikings that the narwhal tusk was the horn from the legendary unicorn which were considered to have magic powers, such as the ability to cure poison and melancholia. Which is pretty hilarious because it is hard to picture vikings and unicorns in the same frame.

I think I would very much like to see, and even touch one before I die but I don't think I will write it in my bucket list because the odds are extremely low that I will be going to the arctic ocean or Greenland in my lifetime, considering my susceptibility to the cold. And it's ironic but I kind of do not want to write down too many improbable things in the list because I don't want to look at it and be all emo that I never finished it when I'm like 80. But I will see a peregriene falcon fly, and I will touch a cheetah and I will swim with a water giant.

I think people need to be less absorbed with other people. I mean it's amusing; I do utter my fair share of "OH MY BLOODY, REALLY?!" but at the end of the day, it is someone else's life, and their choices, and although I can't really say you shouldn't care, you shouldn't care in the way you care. We should care about people, what the world is coming to due to different choices and warped perspectives, not their businesses and their secrets. But don't get me wrong, I do sometimes speculate and I do sometimes in a frenzy of excitement, text my friend something I just found out. But ultimately, I don't really think it's relevent to me and I don't really care about it.

This is actually only an excuse for me to put off my english assignment. And having to fill in my uni application form, and finishing up my bio report. All of which is due tomorrow, which is annoying because tomorrow is a friday and I have a presentation and I don't go to school early on fridays. So I shall leave after period 2. I just realized today that I have missed either part of or entire fridays since about April-May. I am amazed as to how I have still yet to be called up on attendence.

Anyhoo, Mr Britza removed Jace and I's signs from around the school. I don't see a reason as to why. It just makes people either smile or the more serious ones shake their head in sad dissapointment at the immaturity of it. But Jace says we can't technically get into trouble because it's almost end of term and we're both doing well in school. So the signs shall persist.
Toodles.

`jol

Rainy Days.

2011-09-21T12:35:00.003+08:00

It's 14 degrees and the rain is thin and bitter. It's cold. The rain is so fine it looks like snow. It's pretty, actually. But it doesn't snow in Perth. Just as well, I'd just die if it did. I'm so sick of studying. Math prelims next week, really is the worst time to burn out. What if I'm never going to amount to anything? What then.
Here is a list of rainy day songs.

Blue Skies - Tom Waits
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Easy - Justin Vernon
And So It Goes - Billy Joel
Waiting On an Angel - Ben Harper
In The Dirt - Sean Carrey
Sea Song - Lisa Hannigan
Dressed to Kill Time - John Paul James & The New Taste
Us - Regina Spektor
Cartwheels - Snow Patrol
Delicate - Damien Rice
The Park - Bon Iver

Enjoy.

'jol

I miss you so bad but I've got nothing to say.

___________________________________________________________

Edit: OMG IT HAILED, OMG IT HAILED, OMG IT HAILED. Like rained ice!
I know this is a huge contrast to the tone of this whole post but I just had to put it down. I think I'm addicted to writing here. Figures, I have more confidence writing than speaking. Stick to what you're good at and all- though, I'm not all that good with writing either. But I suppose it is pretty loserish, talking to yourself and your random stalkers. This is my 950th post, yes, definately loserish, how much I've talked to myself over the years. But hey, I like nerds. Was on my bed trying (And failing terribly) to memorize bio/econs for tomorrow's tests, then it started to rain really loudly, and I was puzzled then I realized it was ice hitting the glass and ran screaming to pound on Jason's door to yell at him to get up, and he flung it open, also yelling, and it was really loserish for we were two idiots in the empty house being excited about ice. He then proceeded to call Chi-E and yell to her about it and I ran outside to try to get hit on the face with ice, but the weather's annoyingly spasmodic and the hail had passed so it was just rain and I only got wet and unbruised. Then I told everyone I was currently having text conversations with, which would be like 7 people, but all of whom are so far away, at home. Most of whom were like "Cool! But be careful, it can be dangerous! Stay safe!" my mom however was " Really? Take picture!" Glad to know my mom knows her priorities. To a certain extent you kinda wish you had what Jace has, to be able to call and be excited over the most meagre and ordinary things and not worry for an instant that you might come off as annoying, or that you will become boring because you're confident enough that you have the rest of your lives to talk about the serious things. I think in Perth, Jace and Gail are probably the only ones who've seen the utterly stupid side of me. I can be, unimaginably, stupid. And it's sad. Because I used to be like that with so many people. It simply meant I was comfortable enough. A fearlessness in retrospect. But hey, we can't have it all.

Also Elizabeth practically found the answer sheet for tomorrow's bio test and was so incredibly kind to let me in on it. I was really touched, considering I am not the social butterfly. So I have been thinking about who I'd like to help get an A tomorrow besides Jace and Gail and decided it to be whoever else reads here. Page 216 of bio study guide. That is all.

2011-09-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

"For when I am weak then I am strong."

I am not able, but my God is able. I need to start relying on strength other than my own, for I am only human, I fall short and I fail. I break. Too easily than I'd like to be. Fill the void with air and you still get a void. When am I going to finally carve this into my thick head once and for all.

'jol

2011-09-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

I was going to put Journalism as one of my choices for uni applications.
But thank you, I don't think I will anymore.
I don't think I'm worthy enough and I don't think I have what it takes.

Thank you for taking away the one thing left that I was contented with in myself.
I now neither like the way I look, where I am, the life I lead nor my capacity for english literacy.
You know how I said I felt empty before. I was wrong. This is it.
I want to go home, and run into the arms of a friend. But I don't know where home is.

I shouldn't be posting this, you will get angry and then I'll probably lose you.
But then I probably already have.
And this has been the sleeve on which I've worn my heart for so long, I don't want to be constantly doubting myself. If this be slander, then let known your discontent. I will put a password to this page. People aren't really going to be losing anything anyway, I doubt I've actually contributed anything significant. All my thoughts have been just that. Thoughts.

You probably don't like me all that much now; don't think I'm all that worth it.
Cheers, that makes the two of us. At least now we can both be less lonely.

Love isn't miraculous or like in the movies. It doesn't even necessarily involve romance. It is ordinary, shared even between strangers and between man and his animal. It's simply it being unimaginable to want to hurt someone else. Why do you think I'm so desperate to be a vet. Man is the only animal who partakes in hurting as a sport, who causes harm for full enjoyment, knowing fully well that the seal, with it's stomach slit open, is in agony. There are no beasts of the wild until man makes it so. In my opinion, we're the beast. I'm stretching my point here, you are not cruel, you are not merciless and you are by no means sadistic. You've just managed to really hurt me, because I thought we've been through this, I thought it meant you understood, because after having spent my entire primary/high school life being teased, being bullied, I am stupidly, very sensitive. I let my emotions run me at the worst of times. We don't know each other at all, really. And I'm sorry for that.

But hey, we all got a laugh out of it.

`jol

因为我不能讲英语

2011-09-19T16:46:00.007+08:00

我们虽然不是白种人,也没有原因说我们不应该讲英语。
你每次都是讲话没想到会让我感到受伤。

我真的希望你会當善解人意的感觉。

我与你争论真的很累了。

~~`jol~~
`赖诗琪

2011-09-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Today I found out I get about 50 readers a day. Which isn't really a very big number, but then again, this isn't Tumblr and no one actually follows or links this page ("Blogspot is SO outdated") but I just couldn't bear to delete this, considering I've had this since I was 12. 6 years it's been, and I suppose writing here has gotten me through the worst of times, and I've somewhat formed a sentimental bond with this little page. To be honest, I figured a total number of maybe 5 people read here occasionally. And that would have been perfectly fine with me because like I've said, I only blog because it forces me to put my jumble of messy, indescribable, intangible thoughts into words that would make at least a little bit of sense to a stranger reading it. Then I come back and read it afterwards and realize I've sorted out my thoughts- though it's always short lived because your brain is a pretty amazing mass of pink squish. Pretty lame, I know. Anyway the point I'm trying to get to is that I it made me feel very " Oh no, people have actually been reading my slash-and-die posts. I never knew. Oh no, oh no, they probably think I am some suicidal emo nemo now."

So thank you for being interested in my ~~misery~~ thoughts and please enjoy this happy picture of a happy zebra clinging to the happy neck of a (presumably) happy giraffe.

`jol

2011-09-18T22:30:00.001+08:00

`jol

Laughing With

2011-09-18T00:29:00.003+08:00

When you realize that it's not about God and it's about people.

It's not the people that are out to harm and cause discontent, they are not the ones who will ultimately bring the world to ruins. It is hearts that can stomach sitting aside to do nothing but watch, the people that have indifference in their mouths for suffering. I realized at a far too young age; indifference far exceeds hate. Especially when you lose control of your ability to control your indifference. It's a paradox. Because then, you becoming what we all fear, what God fears, but in different retrospects.
You wither away to Nothing.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

`jol

2011-09-16T12:31:00.001+08:00

I study because I know what it's like to fall short of people's expectations, to fall short of my own; the self loathing. Because it's difficult to get into vet science, and I don't think I'm stupid, but there are a multitude of people brighter and better than I that are trying to get in too. It is highly competitive, a 95.4. I currently have a 98. I didn't want to tell you because then you'd have yet another reason to tell me I don't need to work. Because I don't need to hear that, my complacency will kill me. Furthermore it's not indicative, it will count for nothing if I don't do well this time around. And you know, I'm so afraid, to the point that I can't breathe, for the coming exams. I'm terrified. There isn't enough time, I'm not determined enough, not disciplined enough, not smart enough. My whole life I've said that I will become a vet. My entire life. And I've given up everything for it. I'm willing to give up everything. What will I tell people back home if I don't get in. I would never be able to live it down, even if my mom never will judge me. I'd forevermore judge myself. If I don't get in, I'm afraid I'll just never find any purpose to go on living. And the worse part is that I believe in hell. I think death is a far more merciful sentence than a life of empty hope, purpose and vision. You'll maybe never understand this, and I understand that. But I'm afraid. Very afraid. I do think my worth is in studying, for now, and I don't think it's pathetic. Always, your words hurt. Joking or not, they bring me down. And I think I can go no further in the direction of self-ridicule. How different I am. I miss my confidence, I really do. I care about you. I am sincerely sorry that I'm not fun anymore, not sociable enough, not popular or beautiful or spontaneous enough. You shouldn't have to settle for less than the best. It's not that I totally can't go out anymore, I've just got to be smarter, to ultimately know my priorities. And I know and hope you will put your future in university in front of temporary fun, in front of me. And even if it isn't that concrete, that important to you, it is my entire purpose of being here. And it has been unbearably hard, I have spent far too many nights crying myself to sleep to not at least give it something close enough to my best shot. I can't hate myself anymore, I really can't do this. And the only way I will stop the self-loathe is if I get in.

"I'm stronger than this. I am, I am.
I have to be."

'jol

2011-09-15T21:43:00.004+08:00

Australia makes me feel empty.
Even when I'm with you; Increasingly often.

I fear that all it's done is open my eyes.

'jol

2011-09-14T12:07:00.000+08:00

I know that it's been a few days since the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attack, but I haven't actually had a chance to use my laptop. So the past few days have seen the internet, news as well as magazines riddled with reminders and condolences for all the lives that were so brutally taken away during the attack on the twin towers. More than 2,000 lives. And these are a few images that really kinda numbs your mind into a state of. Well, a state of nothingness because it doesn't directly affect you, your country being more than a 15-hour flight away, yet reading about it and picturing it in your mind- you just feel sick, you know.

"They fell at roughly 127mph, from the top levels. It was either to burn alive or jump and last about 10 seconds in air, then an instant death." I am terrified of falling. It is impossible for me to look at that picture and not feel like crying. I can't decide if even in a burning room, I'd have enough courage to jump, and no one should ever have had to make such a decision. These people, these little dots caught in the picture, I doubt they had much time to think about the implications of either being burnt alive or jumping, and I wonder what went through their minds during the 10 seconds before impending death, whilst they were falling, falling, falling. You're jumping with full knowledge that you have no other choice, and that in a few seconds, you will hit the ground. Splat. It'd be over, you'll leave your loved ones mourning and desolate. Count to 10. It really isn't that short, plenty of time for plentiful thought, plenty of time for plentiful terror. 10 seconds is an eternity, and 10 seconds on the downfall to death- literally- that must have been been life more torturous than dying.
After the collision, the towers did not just topple over or break off. It collapsed, level by level, in a series of vertically stacked dominoes, as if the building were sinking into itself. This was caused by explosions in the lift shafts. And it's sickening, really, there were people in there, as the ceilings kissed the floors. Caught in an embrace that would never again let them go. I will never feel pain from this event, and I feel so guilty about it, that I am unable to feel the suffering as those that live there or have lost people to it. It is an absolutely devastating event, and I am only able to feel sick. To a certain extent, it makes me feel selfish, like I need to have more compassion.

Following the attacks of September 11th, the skyline of New York has been lit up on every anniversary since with 88 searchlights to mark where the Twin Towers used to stand. On the 10th anniversary, the lights will be turned on for the last time.

Events like these, makes you so fearful, like you could be simply backpacking, living up the best of your youth, taking a nice picture, and then the next moment, terror. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It makes you wonder if the only cure for humanity, is the end of it.

`jol

On a totally unrelated note; I don't want answers, I am usually able to derive at answers on my own, suprisingly, given that I am not the brightest of minds. I just want a conversation, to feel something, to simply be with you when I can't. Why is it so difficult to talk to you.
I need to sleep, I'm losing it.

2011-09-14T01:39:00.002+08:00

20 Untranslatable Words from Around the World

1. Toska

Russian – Vladmir Nabokov describes it best: “No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

2. Mamihlapinatapei

Yagan (indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego) – “the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start” (Altalang.com)

3. Jayus

Indonesian – “A joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh” (Altalang.com)

4. Iktsuarpok

Inuit – “To go outside to check if anyone is coming.” (Altalang.com)

5. Litost

Czech – Milan Kundera, author of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, remarked that “As for the meaning of this word, I have looked in vain in other languages for an equivalent, though I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can understand the human soul without it.” The closest definition is a state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.

6. Kyoikumama

Japanese – “A mother who relentlessly pushes her children toward academic achievement” (Altalang.com)

7. Tartle

Scottish – The act of hestitating while introducing someone because you’ve forgotten their name. (Altalang.com)

8. Ilunga

Tshiluba (Southwest Congo) – A word famous for its untranslatability, most professional translators pinpoint it as the stature of a person “who is ready to forgive and forget any first abuse, tolerate it the second time, but never forgive nor tolerate on the third offense.” (Altalang.com)

9. Prozvonit

Czech – This word means to call a mobile phone and let it ring once so that the other person will call back, saving the first caller money. In Spanish, the phrase for this is “Dar un toque,” or, “To give a touch.” (Altalang.com)

10. Cafuné

Brazilian Portuguese – “The act of tenderly running one’s fingers through someone’s hair.” (Altalang.com)

11. Schadenfreude

German – Quite famous for its meaning that somehow other languages neglected to recognize, this refers to the feeling of pleasure derived by seeing another’s misfortune. I guess “America’s Funniest Moments of Schadenfreude” just didn’t have the same ring to it.

12. Torschlusspanik

German – Translated literally, this word means “gate-closing panic,” but its contextual meaning refers to “the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages.” (Altalang.com)

13. Wabi-Sabi

Japanese – Much has been written on this Japanese concept, but in a sentence, one might be able to understand it as “a way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the natural cycle of growth and decay.” (Altalang.com)

14. Dépaysement

French – The feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country.

15. Tingo

Pascuense (Easter Island) – Hopefully this isn’t a word you’d need often: “the act of taking objects one desires from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them.” (Altalang.com)

16. Hyggelig

Danish – Its “literal” translation into English gives connotations of a warm, friendly, cozy demeanor, but it’s unlikely that these words truly capture the essence of a hyggelig; it’s likely something that must be experienced to be known. I think of good friends, cold beer, and a warm fire. (Altalang.com)

17. L’appel du vide

French – “The call of the void” is this French expression’s literal translation, but more significantly it’s used to describe the instinctive urge to jump from high places.

18. Ya’aburnee

Arabic – Both morbid and beautiful at once, this incantatory word means “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

19. Duende

Spanish – While originally used to describe a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one’s surroundings in nature, its meaning has transitioned into referring to “the mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person.” There’s actually a nightclub in the town of La Linea de la Concepcion, where I teach, named after this word. (Altalang.com)

20. Saudade

Portuguese – One of the most beautiful of all words, translatable or not, this word “refers to the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost.” Fado music, a type of mournful singing, relates to saudade. (Altalang.com)

Read this a few months back and have been meaning to share it, but like many things, never got around to doing it. But it's interesting. Don't you wish you could speak all the languages in the world- imagine all the conversations you could have with so many different minds. Hah I'd be glad if I were able to speak Chinese well actually. Obviously language isn't my strong point here. I've 3 consecutive test tomorrow:( and I want 3 As. So I have the rest of tonight to finish the 3 chapters of bio, 4 chapters of math and 2 chapters of chem. Come on, inner nerd, you can do this!

'jol

2011-09-10T12:10:00.003+08:00

Changes that have occured in me within a third of the year that I particularly detest.

1. My newfound fear of climbing trees- however easy or climbable- lest I break an arm.
2. My inability to have a higher capacity for discipline than a peanut.
3. Put very bluntly- my noobness in climbing. And running. And well, basically every sport that I used to be good at.
4. The absence of clearly visible abs. I don't like disliking my body.
5. My weariness around things that start with P. Ergo people, promises and prelims. Oh and privacy- or lack thereof.
6. The falling of my pull-up count.
7. That my duvet keeps falling off the bed in the middle of the night and I don't know how.
8. The increasing number of instances whereby I become english-stupid.
9. The death of my determination and drive, of which I am still grieving.
10. MY INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE ON MUGGING.

Basically, I am just too lazy an individual. I need to be more serious and see the importance of these last few weeks, and act on it. Desperately, I need to be more disciplined, now that I don't have a multitude of mugger friends to push me. Daniel says I've let down my Asian name, and I think he may be right. I feel like I'm so lazy that I'm not worthy enough to do well- 'well' being a 95 and above, and will therefore just fail through the examinations and amount to nothing in life, becoming some deranged soul who has lost her sanity, aimlessly wandering the aisles of K-mart in the early hours of the morning, belting out barren poems about where her life went wrong. Oh, and who also lives with 59 cats. And I don't even particularly like cats. Or the number 59.

Meh, I bit my tongue.
I want a pegasus.

`jol

Mark, have fun in bloody San Fransciso, idiot! Shit I'm so jealous, I want to fly away too :( Keep safe, it's the 11th of september tomorrow. Come back in one piece with tons to tell! Also bring home a nice girl whilst you're at it.
z You should write more oftenly. You still fascinate me; your thoughts and how well you're able to relay them in words. I doubt you ever get english stupid, and I'm jealous of that. But more than anything, it's the intelligence and thought process that trumps. One thing that we have in common: we look for thinkers. Take this from a stranger; You're going to amount to so much.

2011-09-09T03:01:00.000+08:00

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish)

All I'm asking for now, is for a decent night's sleep. But I'm probably not going to get that till the exams are over. I hate how the school leaves all the tests and assignments to the last 2 weeks before the prelims- not only that, we have yet to even finish the syllabus. I have 6 tests next week, and about 4 assignments due before term end. I prefer Singapore, whereby you're stressed since the start of the year, but by now you'd have long completed the syllabus As Well As all the TYS, and will just be doing a dozen different exam papers. It's tiring, but we perform. I apologize in advance if I start updating less- or well, my posts aren't as lengthy. But then again, maybe that's a good thing for I cannot comprehend how people can enjoy reading my slash-and-die essays that are way too long. Anyhow, I also apologize if I'm all stressed out and not a very fun person to talk to, I just work best under pressure, if I'm not tired, I can not make myself work. It's a paradox. I apologize in advance too, if I become boring- well, more boring, and unspontaneous, right now, studies overwrite fun. It's just 2 months anyway. If it counts, I hope you know that every hour I spend cooped up inside mugging, I wish I could be at the beach or just lazing around with you.

If you're wondering why I'm still up, I ritually only attend the last hour of school every friday. Which is again, ironic. I want to skip school yet I'm unnable to make myself forego chem class because I feel it actually helps. Also, when I skip school nowadays, it's to mug. If that makes any sense to you. Well, it must if you're Singaporean. Eitherway, I'm not really going to get enough sleep but every 10 minutes count.

Goodnight

`jol

Dressed To Kill Time

2011-09-08T21:17:00.000+08:00

"The last few days, I've been learning not to trust people. And I'm glad I've failed. "
- My Blueberry Nights (2007)

I admit, I could be doing better. The past few days have really shaken my stand on so many things, and it's been difficult, I've always been an incredibly stubborn person, to suddenly realize I may not still share the same perspectives I did a year back really frightens me, althogh I didn't realize it then. I talked about losing myself. And I suppose I was still resisting the biggest change of all, I don't want to go home and have people tell me "You've changed, you're no longer the Jolyn I knew. I don't want you anymore." In july, I had people tell me I was quieter, sadder- that they couldn't recognize me anymore. And I suppose I wondered if everything is solely my fault, that because I've changed, I can no longer connect with my friends. So despite all the shit that was happening then I practically shoved a knife into my mouth and cut out a smile. But facades only last for so long. Besides, even if outwardly- characteristically, I've changed, my thought process has more or less remained the same. Even if I am 'quieter, sadder somehow.' If you've known me at all, you would recognize me, even if I'm not as fun, not as loud or not as funny.

I'm so tired of hearing the paper-pressed-and-printed advice that you have to first love yourself, and only then will people love you. I know it's important to have a sense of self worth. It's fuelled me in the darkest of times. But I'd like to believe, that in the moment where I can no longer bear to even look at myself, where I feel like I'm am not only superfluous but am in fact, an encumbrance. Someone, some ordinary person, would come up behind me and take the gun from my shaking fingers. I'd like to believe that in the darkest of times, where you're incapable of loving yourself anymore, someone will still see your worth; still love you.

You know, everyday I think about why I came here, what made me able to make the decision. I have mentioned before how much I fear change. Every single day, I think about the choice I made, and everyday I come to a different conclusion. Somedays are bad, and I feel so depressed and I hate me for doing this to me, and some days I see the silver lining in it. I think I wanted to test myself, to see if I would survive with being alone, me who was so used to being surrounded by so many people all the time, who was so used to being needed, who had it all. I suppose I wanted to see just how far I could bend. And I think, this has been the strongest, bravest, and most utterly ridiculous thing I've every done. And although I sometimes regret it, I am proud of it, of being able to go through it. I don't believe anyone can understand how much we've all been through, the feelings and thoughts you're forced to analyze everyday. The doubts. I don't believe anyone can know how this feels like unless they go through it themselves. I will never be able to fully explain THIS to any of my friends in Singapore, not unless they move to an alien place and see it for themselves. It's like sawing off an arm, sslowly severing a muscle fibre everyday. It's like losing who you are. No, it's like sawing off all of you and leaving only an arm. And you know, I don't think I'm weak.

Everytime people ask if we're okay, we usually tell them "Just tired." I've done it so many times. As if it is shameful to feel remorse, despair, anger or desperation. As if you are a lesser person if you're not happy. Everyone always tell themselves to just try to be happy, in all things, to do only things that make them happy, that a day of being sad is a day wasted. And for awhile I believed it too. But I don't think so anymore. I haven't been sleeping the whole week, I've broken down pretty much every night, God knows how much I've cried. I haven't been laughing, not genuinely. And I was ashamed of it, of my weakness. Because nothing that devastating has actually happened. It's like I've hit an imaginary wall, and I have to suddenly confront everything from my past as well as everything I've been trying to avoid. And I've been feeling very alone, not alone in the sense that you're lonely, though that too, but just. Well. Alone. Like you're stuck in this little pit and you're sitting in the muddy water and no one sees you. But I've been sorting it out, on my own.

So yes, I've never felt as alone as I do here, and I don't know if this will ever change, but I'm not ashamed of it. For awhile I was embarassed about my lack of life here, but then I realized that I Left my life at home, and it takes time to build an entirely new one, a life isn't a nintendo game. The best thing about going to a new country is your new found anonimity. When I first got here, without fail, I ran for an hour a day, and I would stay out by the swings or the woods and stare at the planes that fly overhead, and everyday, I would breakdown everytime I saw a plane fly by, I'd plead for it to take me home. But you know what's so brilliant about the human mind? We can get used to anything, given enough time. Anything at all. We don't necessarily heal from it, but we can incorporate it into our expectations. I used to, during my first few weeks here when I hadn't yet established any routine or talked to many people, put a nice dress, braid my hair and if I felt like it, even have on some make up. I would take the train, and find some random place in the city, usually the steps of the station, and sit there and watch people and read for hours. At the end of the day, I'd stand up and go home. I know it's incredibly nerdy, and you might be laughing now, but it's inexplicable, to be in an entire country where less than 5 people know your name. You feel a little bit invincible. With invisibility comes invincibility.

So yes, I am sad most of the time. And I feel alone pretty much all the time. I feel despondent and insufficient. Sometimes I feel very unwanted and sometimes I feel angry at myself and at the world in general. But there is no shame in all of these emotions. They have just as much worth as happiness and hopefullness. I'd like to be able to reply "Yes, I am sad, my heart is absolutely breaking and I want people to want me sometimes." Instead of "I'm tired" or "I don't know." without fear of judgement, without feeling incompetent. Happiness, is not superficial. Happiness feels a lot like sorrow. I'm quieter, sadder somehow, but in the fleeting moments where I'm on my own in the woods or just thinking about things, and I feel a spark of happiness that is in being alive, I don't think I've ever felt such a kind of happiness in being alone in such a way before.

There is no shame.
We need a change in perspectives.

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home

`jol

2011-09-07T21:25:00.003+08:00

When I was younger, I used to have a pet beetle.
His name was Bob.
I liked him a whole bunch.
One day whilst I was in school, the maids neglected to close the tank properly,
and Bob flew away.
I was sad.

The Bob I now have more than compensates for it.
♥

`jol

2011-09-06T19:41:00.002+08:00

Some people are constantly guarded and never let anyone in, some people choose who they'd like to let in, some people accept, love and trust every soul alike and some people have high standards and set tests for every person they meet before they are deemed worthy.

Me I trust everybody I meet, every single one, until they hurt me exceptionally. This is probably the 29th time I'm mentioning it here, but I'm not out to discuss it. I have realized something new. I have always gIven the analogy of having a list, and on it are the names of everyone I've ever met and ever will meet. And I start out with my heart open to each and all alike. Then when one crosses a line, I cross them off. The ones who remains move on to become people I dearly treasure. I think this is an appropriate way to go about because it's fair. Everyone gets a chance. But I realized a year back that it's not so foolproof. Some people I constantly forgive, certain people I always come back to. And although everyone gets a chance it's not fair because some people have 3 strikes and others have 8250 of them. Today I realized something new, perhaps there is some truth in the wise words of a friend who once told me this was a stupid stupid plan. It's not fair. I'm not being very fair to myself. I don't know why I allow myself to be hurt over and over again so someone can prove himself bad for me. Maybe it's because of the way I've been brought up, I think I have quite a high level of tolerance for physical pain. But I am still completely susceptible in the emotional and psychological context.

When I cross someone off the list, chances are they never get back on, and well it won't exactly be a huge loss for them, I am by no means an extraordinary person. No bitterness, no drama, just a sad moving on. Like clockwork. You become dead to me, and presumably, I to you. The best thing you can get from me is my respect. If you have that, you have me. All of me, no strings left unpulled. I'm not talking about awe or any desires to change, I'm not even talking about self disregard. The worst thing you can lose from me is not my companionship, like aforementioned, I am not that amazing. If I don't respect you, it doesn't mean I disrespect you. It just means I'll never actually look at you again.

The worst thing isn't what you did exactly. It's playing around with my trust like that, as if everytime you hurt me I'll just recover within a day and forgive you, like I always do. It's all a joke to you, isn't it. I'm all but a joke. A minor inconvenience is all. I'm angry that you can't see just how much this affects me, expecting me to still laugh at your jokes. We'll laugh alright, we'll laugh at me, and my open naivity. It's not that fun is it, when I'm actually angry for real. No I'm not going to murder your name in front of our friends, I'm not even going to give you snide remarks. I'm not the kind. Don't talk to me, get your grades up on your own. It's just 2 months anyway.

My friends call me Jol. You, you call me Jolyn.

'jol

2011-09-05T12:34:00.003+08:00

Done with people.

Animals sport woods guitar books drawing studies.
Jesus.

'jol

If you cared to the end, you'll get.

2011-09-04T12:33:00.000+08:00

Three weeks to the start of prelims, which are, ridiculously, counted in the finals, along with the year's work. I'm not harping on it because my results are bad, no, my results thus far have been just short of spectacular. I am really surprised. But that's all about to change, it has only gotten- and will only get- harder. I don't see how people can believe so much in my studying capabilities, because I feel like I am so incredibly lazy that I am going to fail and then regret for the rest of my life. I think the external exams should take the full weightage of your leaving grades. It's unfair otherwise as standards vary from school to school. But then again, the whole bloody system is so different, I'm not used to it, I can not understand how it works and it makes me afraid.

We all know that once the prelims start, the WAUPP will be hot on it's heels. 1 november. 10 days from then and it ends. 25 days and I get to go home. Less than two months to go. This is where I say "Goodbye Jolyn-who-has-a-life". Except I can't really do that because as far as I know, I lost it- I lost everything, when I came here. And you know, sometimes I do still wonder if I regret. I cannot make up my mind. It's not to say I'm not thankful for the things I have here, the things I've experienced and especially the lessons I've learnt, I feel like I've grown so much, in ways that I can not explain. And I'm glad for it, but it also makes me sad. Like Lynnette said these are the best years of my life, I should still be in TP climbing my heart out, being excited about cutting up dead animals in lab and pulling stupid pranks with the clique. These are the best years of my life, where you're too young to be broken but old enough to squander in the delight that is youth-hood. Where am I now. These were to be the best years of my life and I gave it up. On the reasoning that I save a year, I finish university, a year earlier.

But I am too prideful to say I regret. To renounce my saying that I do not regret anything in life. I suppose my head's fighting with my heart. Because if I do allow myself to say I regret, that changes everything, it opens doors and it breaks down what once was considered strength. I know I'm blabbering, I don't know how to explain it. I feel so english-stupid right now. Basically, it would mean I don't know myself at all. And that, is incredibly scary, because you're losing the last thing you have of you. If you no longer have sport, friends or studies to define you, to lose your stand in perspective would be to lose yourself fully.

I don't know what else to say, so I'm going to say the brutal and honest Anything and Everything. I do regret listening to everything Gail promised me, but I do not blame her for them. I blame my own naivity. All the time, it kills me and I smile and walk on. I followed because then we'd be together. But honestly, you've broken almost every promise you gave me at the steps outside the Animal Anatomy Lab that made me really consider the option. When was the last time I've spent time with you, just you? It's been months. I wish I weren't so much like me sometimes. I wish I were able to, for just 10 damned minutes, blame everything and everybody but myself, to bitch about what I'm unhappy with and to be angry at the world for the choices I've made. And then I'd wish for that 10 minutes to never have existed, for only me to know of the shameful truth. I'm afraid that my friends have all moved on with their life, though the important ones remains, it still hurt, like hell, to return and realize you can't speak their frequency anymore. It's like losing the ability to ride a bike. You know, the raw knowledge that this person once meant so much to you, that once was such a huge part of your life, is now a stranger, even if you both try to reconnect, you can't. I hate the part of my childhood that makes me flinch when my boyfriend reaches up to touch my face. I hit myself when I realize I'm wrong. And I do mean hit. I shouldn't have to feel the need to be punished everytime I make a mistake. I wish you would reply your damned messages, as if you actually want to have a conversation with me instead of an interogation, so I won't have an answer to give you everytime you ask me why I can't "just talk to you". Because sometimes the day ends like this and I really need you now. So I don't feel so insufficient and mundane. Like you've got better things to take care off. To miss me first sometimes that you would take the initiative to initiate. To realize that at the end of the day I am a girl and am therefore bloody prone to sensitivity, to insecurity. I know I have to be patient, I've had 17 years in Singapore to forge out people I'd trust with my life. And I've only been here a year. But I'm afraid that I'll never be able to really create a life here, to find people that I can trust with everything like I have at home, I may never be able to find my own Eliz or Twin or A here, and that's just to name a few, I'd be lucky even with 3. Today Javin told me she still read here, and I'm grateful, that she was still interested, although my life is a whole other now. I hate being in limbo, where I feel like I should neither be in Australia nor Singapore. Where I feel like I really have no where to actually Go Back To. Y, well. There really isn't much to say besides "Hah, so much for bestfriends." In the most comical of contexts. Satire instead of rancour, as it always had been. I do enjoy irony afterall. We'll let it die as it was born. In flames. I loved you, and it's neither's fault. You have impacted me in a huge way. I'm glad you're safe, happy. I wish I had more faith and discipline, to be able to reproduce the determination I had without first having to feul myself with anger, fear or desperation. And to Gideon, I know what you did, countless times, as I lay petrified. You made me feel reduced; filthy. It's been years and I was quiet. You are the fucking scum of the Earth and I hope also that one day everyone knows. A leader, you were. How can anyone question my cynicalism for the church and it's system now. I've always wanted to say: I Know so Fuck You. One day the world too, will know. And I'll laugh.

How can you be so surrounded by people and be so happy and in the next minute feel so alone. This is pathetic. I shall stop here. If I have offended you, I didn't mean to. You must realize that I am not usually like this. Tomorrow I go back to being jol, sensible and rational, with posts that don't point. But honestly, tell me you haven't been wanting to see exactly what goes on in my head that I never talk about. I do realize this post is a very arrogant one. I apologize for that, tomorrow, I won't be.

God I miss you guys so much that it hurts.
Till next time when the implications of what I've just done fully sinks.

`jol

2011-09-04T10:15:00.003+08:00

I fear failure, falling, house lizards, rejection, the underside of the feet of caterpillars, being only allowed to speak Chinese, losing my sight, clowns, people, isolation, the supernatural, becoming obese, losing any athletically abilities, small spaces, having no freedom, SAW, being alone in the ocean with no one else in sight, paralysis, Indians that whistle at you, failing in school, birthdays, penises, macaques when they glare at you, jealousy, having no faith, becoming english-stupid, helplessness, amounting to nothing, wax figures, the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, my nightmares, you getting bored of me, conflicts, my friends forgetting me, high school, high school girls, labyrinths, matyrs, being insufficient, amputations, childbirth, the dolphins sharks and tigers dying out, global warming, losing people to unnatural deaths, crossing roads, change, forgetting my childhood, despondency, hell, animals not taking a liking to me, aging, imperfection, being immobilized, war, taking the train alone at 1am when you're the only Asian, torture, having no one to fall back on, faceless people, eyes without irises, hurting people, getting hurt.

Realizing that life may not be all that I had made it out to be.

Nothingness.

We all fear Nothing.

`jol

2011-08-31T23:37:00.002+08:00

'네 작은 미소면 또 담담해지고
네가 혹시나 내 마음을 알게될까봐
알아버리면 우린 멀어지게 될까봐'

가끔은 내가 먼저 날 그리워합니다 소원

`jol

Heaven

2011-08-31T19:16:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was an interesting day at school. We discussed Heaven, Gail and I. It reminded me why I liked her, she thought about things and she asked questions. And we are able to discuss them, no strings left unpulled, no judgement loomed and no thoughts ridiculed.

The thing is, you read about all these testimonies from people who have supposedly seen the other worlds, be it when they were dreaming or during the split second their heart stopped beating before the doctors revived them. And it is widely accepted that when you dream about the other realm, it has to be from the supernatural and not just a figment of your immagination because of the question as to how you could comprehend something you've never experienced. It's like trying to describe the colour Blue to a man born blind. Blue is the ocean, it feels like an expanse, peaceful and neutral, everpresent. A blind man would have never seen the ocean, or the sky, to know what the colour blue feels like. I say feel, because I don't believe we can actually describe a colour in terms of only vision. I think each colour has a feeling to it- not really a feeling, more like an aura? Maybe that's why there is so much fascination about what a blind man sees when he thinks the word "Elephant", having never seen a snake to know that it's like a hippo with a snake for a nose. That's why every nightmare that I have and can't get out of, I have to die. Because you always wake up before you hit the ground. Having never died before, my brain can not comprehend why dying must feel like, and as such, I can not dream about death it self. I can dream that I have died, but I can not dream about dying.

Elizabeth says that heaven will be as people describe it, that there will be seven years of feasting, she takes it so literally. When God created the world in 7 days, did He mean 7 humans days, ie 24 x 7 hours or 7 lightyears, or 7 in the sense of angel time, for all we know, 7 years could very well mean 7 eternities, even though that is a paradox because eternity is in itself, consuming. The bible might have spoken literally, but mostly, I think it's more figurative. They were all brilliant writers. There is, of course, the argument that we read it as we want to see it, we selectively take some parts figuratively, when we don't want to have to do it, and some parts literally when it bids our favour. And I am christian, even if not a model one, but I believe we do actually do that. We see only what we want to see in the way we read it. But then, these were recordings of thousands of years ago, it's left to us to try to figure out it's exact meaning, and well, this is the best we can give. Is there blame in that. If I personally think stealing is wrong, I will take it literally from the bible that stealing is punishable. How can you judge and analyze something without any impartation of your own morals and beliefs. I mean, you can pray about it, and maybe God will give you understanding to interpret it correctly, but the underlying values of a writer will still be imparted in the way it is written. It's ironic, really. It is intepreted with affect of human's own morals, to be a book by which all humans should judge their morals by. There are loopholes, and the cynics may argue, but what else can you do?

So people that have been taken up to see heaven, and then sent back to this world to tell of it, is what they see really what it is. I'm not doubting that these people are telling the truth, I'm just wondering if the truth as they see it may differ from the truth as it is. I have no burning desire to get answers, really. It's just more of a musing. What if heaven is indescribable by human terms, if as a mortal you do not have the capabilities to fully comprehend it. But if you are to be taken up there to see it for the purpose of bringing a message back down, then you would be seeing it in humans terms, so that other humans will then be able to comprehend what you're saying. It's like being able to communicate with whales, to be able to speak in songs, and then after returning from the land of the whales, the only way you can tell your people accurately about what you have experienced is to speak only in whale language, but your people will not understand you, so you have to tell them in human speak, but the full essence of what you experienced will not be imparted.

Eitherways, there were more questions, and it was even brought to Chemistry class whereby Mrs Anthony gave me the best answer I've heard amongst all the other people we've asked. When we were still studyin VeT in TP, Gail and I came to school everyday at 8am, although lessons would start somedays on 9am. We wanted the hour to talk about anything and everything. And I suppose that's how we got close enough within a few months that I agreed to quit school together with her. And I see Gail everyday now, and we speak everyday, and I am still able to tell her all my secrets. But we do not really talk. We can, but we don't, and it makes me regret my decision sometimes; I miss my friend.

Anyhow, I do fully realize the limit to my question asking. It is purely for enjoyment. The way I see it, if you ask questions that have no answers, or that only God can answer, then well, you're not going to get an answer. Not when you're alive anyway. So I stopped agonizing about finding answers a long time ago, God, I think I easily have 200 blogposts or so dedicated to them. When I die, I'll find out. For now, I'll muse.

`jol

2011-08-30T20:01:00.003+08:00

"When I 'discovered' Daniel, if I can put it like that, I think I was somewhat dazed by the mere fact of his existence. I did not analyze my feelings too deeply, or let myself agonize about his, maybe because I was afraid that if I found I loved and needed him too much, he would be bound to dissapear. People I love and need have a habit of dissapearing from my life. For the same reason, I didn't let myself think too much about the future- our future. I just hoped for the best." - Mary Lawson, Crow Lake(2003)

`jol

2011-08-29T22:26:00.003+08:00

"Anything below 75 is an Asian-fail." - Daniel Ho

Why aren't you working hard enough, jol?
95.4. The bare minimum of 80 and no less.
How badly do you want this?
Not enough, surely, at the rate I'm going.
I disgust myself.

'jol

2011-08-29T00:14:00.002+08:00

Once more, like the last, once more forevermore.
& in all things to God be the glory.

`jol

Daddy

2011-08-27T23:17:00.003+08:00

Not too long ago, a friend of mine approached the topic of my father. He thread lightly, and asked why he's never heard me mention my father before when I talk about my mom extensively, whether he was still, you know, around.

This is a picture of mom, dad and Joce. I think it was taken in Taiwan a few years back. My father is alive and well, he and mom are still together. I call my mom 'Mom' but I don't call my dad 'Dad', it's 'D'. D and I are well, as in nothing traumatic happened for us to have severed ties. I'm just closer to my mother that's all. My father turns 54 today. Of course, there is to be no celebration, no birthday dinner with the family. Like on my 16th birthday, he has to work, and it's not his fault. Birthdays were never a thing to be celebrated in our family, and everyone's used to it, but I still think it's sad. Just like how there's such a disregard and seeming distaste for pictures. I think I've less than 10 pictures with my family amongst the thousands I have in my laptop. And once again, I think this is sad. Normal, but sad. People sometimes say taking pictures and videos is superficial, like the need to rely on such physical things to hold on to a moment is pathetic. I disagree. I mean I laugh when I see an album full of some girl's an-arm's-length-away/ mirror reflection pictures of herself, but the statement's right, I do think pictures and videos hold value in retaining memories, or at least, help to more fully enhance preservation of the moment. I don't think it's pathetic, I don't see the shame in it.

But I digress, I'm supposed to talk about my dad. My dad is 54 this year, I fear aging for him, I don't want him to grow old. He's dark, lean and still has a 6-pack. He never exercises; neither works out nor jogs, but he bowls. He never went to university; finished high school and then went out to work. One of the two out of ten children that did not go to some prestigeous university, that do not bring home every month a 10 digit income or own like 3 properties. I come from an extended family that upholds largely, the values of duty and pride, that holds very strongly to their ancestral roots, that is, although for the bigger part wealthy, generous and kind can also be pretentious and judgemental. All my cousins have only ever gone to private schools and then went on to JCs. All but my brother and I. And now Alson too. There is always so much family politics, it's no wonder that my parents sometimes flew overseas for short "holidays" to avoid the huge family events that require dressing up and a ball room. My parents had never fit into the whole wealth and fame picture. And for a while I detested it, I wanted to be like my cousins. But now I'm actually glad of it. In any case, I still think my dad is an incredibly intelligent person, qualifications or not.

My father is a man of little words. He smiles little, laughs little, but on the off chance that he does, you'll never have felt better about yourself. Whilst my cousins were sent to "intelligence enhancement" and ballet or calligraphy classes, my dad taught my brother and I to whistle with a blade of grass, make owl calls with our hands and to correctly kill a snake (but only if it was necessary). I wasn't a straight-A student in primary school, and paid for it by getting into a neighbourhood school, but I got a childhood worth living. His language is poor, and he never knew things out of the textbooks, but he could tell you stories that bring you to places, of people and animals and practically anything at all. When we were 9, during stayovers, Angel was never allowed to go downstairs to the 7-11 next door without the company of an adult. At the age of 9 and 11, my brother and I were already left to wander the whole of genting(this is malaysia) or bike the whole island of Ubin on our own. He taught us independence, and I am so grateful for that.

I used to be incredibly close to my father, he used to be the one I ran to. I always got things like a box of beads, or a sewing or craft kit, and once, 40 orange fishes, for my birthday. Then when I was 9, my sister was born. And then dad and I weren't close anymore. And for awhile, when Joce was older I hated her and him for that. I hated myself because I wasn't good enough, and I excelled, anything and everything to get attention. And then I got over it, but some things are never fully grown out of. I don't suppose I'll ever feel good enough again, I don't suppose I'll ever stop trying to be perfect.

In any case, this is my dad, and I do love my father. We do not talk, but I have no doubt that he love me, even if he doesn't express it. Afterall, he was the one that told my mom "Pay the 4k, bring her home." When after the missed flight all we could get at first was a business class ticket.
Happy birthdy, daddy.

`jol

2011-08-27T16:18:00.002+08:00

I can't escape from inside your head, I can't purge you from mine.

`jol

2011-08-24T23:03:00.002+08:00

Me: Did you know the human body can only bear up to 45 units of pain and during childbirth a woman feels up to 57 units of pain. That's equivalent to having 20 bones fractured at once. Thanks mom (: love you.

Mom: Really? Wow, and I've had 3 kids. No wonder the pain was always so bad.

Me: Hahaha yeah I no longer want to have any children in future.

Mom: I thought you wanted 4!

Me: Yeah but after reading that.

Mom: Aiyo don't worry. We give birth but our life span's always longer then the guy.. Haha.

I swear this woman is so adorable. Like really, that's what comes into mind? That feminist thread that ultimately we still win, whatever winning means. Meh why has thou adorableness genes not been passed down to thee? :(

'jol

2011-08-23T20:08:00.001+08:00

I miss my little sister's laughter.
Her innocence.

I miss her tiny hands holding on my my 2 fingers because she was afraid to go to sleep.
I miss my little sister.

'jol